Coming to the end of a season is always a difficult thing. For the past year-and-a-half or so, the Lord has been keeping me on a strict 6-month season limit. By that, I mean that the past few "seasons" I've been in have only been 6-months. In July 2010, I started the One Thing Internship, which changed my life forever. I came home for approximately 6 months to serve as Dance Director, work, and pour into the youth at Adat (and start Prayer with Deborah!). Now, here I am at IHOPU, closing out my third 6-month season. The next season I'm going into will hopefully be no more than 6-months as well.
What's difficult about coming to the end of a "season" in your life is the push and pull between wanting it to just be over already, and praying that it never ends (some of that being out of sentiment and some out of fear of the future). Now, everyone is different. But, with me, the Lord only gives me a little hint or idea of what's going to happen in the next season. In coming home from the Internship, it was "go home, work, and do the Purim Play". It ended up being "go home, work your butt off, be Dance Director, pour into the Youth, pour into the Prayer Ministry, do the play, do the Shavuot thing, and try not to become bitter and offended at all the drama and people who don't like you because of IHOP"....oh, and "do it all on your own without people your age to run with". The next season of my life is supposed to be geared toward wholeness and healing in Yeshua. But, as usual, I have no idea what that really looks like.
I think it's important to recognize what kind of season we are in in our lives. King David had his different seasons before and during his reign in Israel. Yeshua had his seasons. He was in the secret place for most of His life, and even went through a period of being tested by the devil. Everyone goes through different seasons, some of testing and some of joy. But how can we remain true to God's purposes during each season? How can we maintain our 'yes' to complete each season when you KNOW you're about to transition?
1. Know the season you're in. When I came back to IHOP to attend IHOPU, specifically the Music Academy, I knew the Lord was taking me into a time of growing, a time of being hidden (meaning I did not try to build my ministry), and a time of testing. That is COMPLETELY different than what my season was in coming to IHOP for the Internship. The Internship was, at the beginning, a time of real dedication to the Lord, a time of joy and finding out what God's love is like, and a time of rest. The last half was very different, but we won't go there now. The concept was still the same. So, if I am currently in a season of being hidden, things will cultivated primarily in the secret place. I will not try to build a new dance team in Kansas City and I won't get heavily involved at the Messianic Congregation here either. The goal is to learn that my identity in Christ is not based on my gifts or my ministry. It's based on how I love God in the secret place. It's also based on how I respond to Him in times of testing. This semester has been extremely difficult on me emotionally and even physically. But I am proud to say that I stuck it out. The Lord is proud of me for continuing to attend classes and for engaging the Lord during my classes and in the Prayer Room.
2. Understand God's Overall Plan and Purpose for Your Current Season. Many times, we know that God is taking us somewhere, but we don't understand why. Why am I here at IHOP? Why did I go home after the Internship? Honestly, sometimes we cannot truly understand the full extent of God's purposes for a current season until we're out of it. I kept asking myself, "Why in the world did I go home? Lord, why do You have me here?" I understood the general concept of sharing what the Lord has done and being a light to those around me. But, I had no idea about all the lessons the Lord was going to teach me through my friendships, ministry, and self. Not knowing the full extent is perfectly OK. However, I believe that, if we are to follow after the Lord into a specific season, we should ask Him for His vision for us for that specific season. "Lord, what it Your plan and vision for me do this?" Having a vision for each season in your life will help you continue to say yes to the Lord.
How can we know God's plan and purpose for us? We must have a deep and real relationship with the Lord. We must know His Word, which is the Great Love Story that the Lord has inspired men to write for us. His plan for us must be founded and grounded in His Word. If we know His Word, and commune with the Lord, we will have an easier time understanding His plan and purpose for the season we are in. We will also be able to maintain a yes in our spirits. Which brings me to my next point!
3. Keep A Yes In Your Spirit. If we know what season we're in, and we understand God's purposes for said season, we will be able to say yes to the Lord more easily. If you don't know what God's vision is for the season you're in, how will you know what to say yes to? Saying yes to the Lord is not some ambiguous religious language that we use to show everyone we're devoted to Him. Better yet, it is the secret depths of our soul crying out to the depths of the Lord's heart what He has imprinted in us (Deep calls unto deep, Psalm 42:7). We are crying out in agreement, speaking back to Him what He has told us to say. Sometimes, saying yes is an action word. We must cut off a relationship or stop watching certain things to be in the will of God. That's saying yes. This actually brings me to my next point.
4. Live Out God's Plan For You In Relation To The Season You're In. Based on Biblical Hebrew thinking, we know that our God is a God of action. He's a God of doing and acting out, not only of heart intentions. The Sh'ma (Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One) is actually an action word. Hearing God's Word is automatically thought to include an action following. As I said in Part 2, regarding understanding God's plan and purpose for the season we're in, we must have an actual relationship with God. This is part of acting our God's plan for us. We must dialogue with the Lord. We must know Him. Many believers today see prayer and devotion to the Lord as an option, while ministry and serving is considered to be the priority. This is, unfortunately, a disgusting epidemic that has plagued the body for a very long time. There is no ministry position that gets us closer to the Lord. There is no book or any knowledge that can stand on its own without having a personal relationship with Yeshua. Ministry position and knowledge of the Talmud does not denote holiness or godliness. Sometimes living out God's plan and purpose for the season you're in includes ministry and studying (I actually highly recommend doing both!). But having God as your priority will save you from finding your identity in your ministry or intellect.
As I stated in the previous section, sometimes living out God's plan is giving certain things up. The Lord is always taking us through a process of cleansing and refining. We are always being refined. If you're not being refined right now, you're probably doing something wrong. I encourage you to make the Lord your priority, regardless of the cost. There is no one else who is worthy of your time. There is no one else who is worthy of your love. Create healthy boundaries to protect your personal time with the Lord. Ministries come and go, but the Lord is eternal. Make it your aim to look into the eyes of Infinity. This will give you strength in times of testing and help you to endure the entire season you're in.
5. Run the Race with Endurance. Finishing each season is always a difficult thing to do. As I said at the beginning of this blog, there's always going to be that push and pull between despising what you're doing (the countdown begins), and being sentimental and fearful. But, if we continue to say yes to the Lord and live out what He's asked us to, He will give us grace to run the race in each season of our lives and continue to be faithful to our calling. Being faithful in the little things -- like showing up for every class, or continuing to put in the same effort as when you first started -- is such a crucial element to finishing each season well. Picture the Lord evaluating each season. What would He say about this one you're in? Would He say that you've been faithful in the small things? Would He say well done? Doing things even when we don't feel like it is always painfully difficult...at least for me. But be encouraged, because there's a reason for what God has for you! He will remember your faithfulness through the end of each season, and eventually to the end of your life. :)
One thing I want to make note of. It is OK to pray for yourself. It is OK to ask God to keep you humble and hungry. I have prayed this prayer and I have seen breakthrough gradually in my own life. :)
I hope this little 5-Step Program (lol!) helps you to go after the Lord with all your heart. I hope it helps you to understand Him and yourself better. :)
"May the Lord bless you and keep you
May the Lord make His face shine upon you, and be gracious to you
May the Lord lift up His countenance upon you
And give you Shalom (peace)"
~(Numbers 6:24-26, parenthesis added)
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Prelude to the Previous Blog - Working Title
"Shut up, you prideful weed! Don't you know who you are?"
He was at it again; tearing her down, ripping her heart out. Leah crawled along the edge of the mountain, praying with fervency that she would not fall off. The sharp fangs of the precipice scraped against her pale bare legs. With each step she felt her heart grow more and more weary. It was bad enough that she had not eaten in days, but the emotional strain of him was almost unbearable.
Another attempt to crawl. The trim of her tattered dress had gotten snagged on the ridge. It pulled her back slightly. She let out a sigh of exasperation. Could this get any worse? Maybe it could.
Thanatos, a tall thin man who had the strength of an ox, squeezed Leah from shoulder to shoulder.
"You ungrateful twit. Don't you know all that I've done for you? I've given you people and pleasure and luxury unending! Yet you leave me for this Man??"
His eyes were like black crystal balls; she could see herself so clearly. It was like looking into a black hole. Thanatos terrified Leah greatly. He had come to her as a small child and threatened her very existence. It seemed to her that he knew every way to keep her in the grip of his clammy, greasy hands. He had made his mark on her by taking away one that she cared for so deeply. She felt enslaved by this nefarious creature. But of course, now that she had this dream about a Man and a light, and she knew the path He wanted her on, Thanatos was angrier than ever.
"Who do you think you are, Leah," Thanatos raged against her, throwing her on the dirt. "You think this road will be easy? You think it will be fun? You know what happened last time you tried to get away from me. I don't take your rebellion lightly."
"I just want to keep going," panted Leah, dehydrated and exhausted from the journey.
"Well, who said I would let you? You cannot just leave me whenever you want. You're mine, remember? You belong to me, not this crazy Man. He's a figment of your imagination."
Leah wanted to keep going. She wanted to follow the path. But she was so tired, and Thanatos would not leave her alone. Thoughts of giving up and turning back came to her mind. Maybe she should just let him have his way with her. All he wants is companionship, right? When she did what he said, everything went fine. But the memories of how she felt during her years with him echoed throughout her heart. She could not go back to being with him. She could not continue this life of slavery with a man that only abused her. This dream, however silly and childish, was the only thing she had to hold on to. And she had to hold on.
"Leave me alone, Thanatos," she whispered, bracing herself for what was to come next.
"Excuse me," Thanatos responded, not quite sure of what she was trying to pull.
"Leave...me...alone," she repeated. A strength was rising up within her, one she had not known until now.
"Hmph! You cannot tell me to leave you alone. I am the master. You are the slave. Now shut up before I give you something to complain about!"
Leah started to get up. Something was making her stronger. Something was giving her zeal to stop Thanatos. Rising up, she said, "Leave me alone, Thanatos! I won't be controlled or manipulated by you anymore! I've had enough!" She stood strong, only in time for Thanatos to kick her back to the ground.
"NO," he shouted in defense. "You're mine!"
"I will never be yours again, you spineless pig! Get away from me," she screamed, lying on her back, still trying to get up.
Thanatos was filled with fury. He started to go after Leah with means to kill her. Leah scuffled back and started to scramble to get away from him. But he was too quick. He grabbed her ankles and pulled her straight under him. She squealed for help, but her voice echoed on the cliff of the mountain. Leah swung her right hand and struck Thanatos' face, but immediately gasped. She couldn't believe she just hit him. His eyes were suddenly filled with flames. She thought she could even hear the screams of others in his eyes; the souls of those he'd taken captive forever. Leah froze, terrified of what he was going to do next. She knew she could not get him to relent in punishment this time. Her eyes grew larger, as a doe before her last breath.
Thanatos grabbed her wrists, which were carefully tucked in front of her chest. He pulled Leah to a standing position, and brushed the dirt off her cold body. Leah stood there amazed, but still afraid. What was he going to do? Was this over? Or was she in for something far worse?
"You were always my favorite," Thanatos said calmly. Leah could not speak. Her mouth was frozen from shock. "But, I guess I'll have to replace you with another, more beautiful, young woman. You know, there's one of your sisters that I admire quite a bit. She's not quite as old and used up as you are. Maybe I'll have her instead. Go play with your Man and follow your silly dream. I'll get my satisfaction elsewhere."
"Wait! No! You can't take her! She's too young!" Leah's heart began pounding. She loved her sisters. She knew the younger ones could not handle the pain and torment she had already endured. But going back to Thanatos was not an option. She had to stop him. But how?
"Oh, I will take her," Thanatos assured Leah. "I'll have her, and everyone else you care about on this earth. You will be alone. No one will be there for you if you follow this silly Man."
The strength came back to Leah like a lightning bolt striking the earth. She was consumed with zeal for the ones she loved. She wasn't going to let him take them. So, with all the physical strength Leah had left, she attacked Thanatos. They struggled for quite sometime. Minutes seemed like hours in this endless battle between the weak and the seemingly strong. But after awhile, Leah knew she could not do this in her own strength. She struggled and tried, and gave all her effort against the creature who was after her soul, but time was running out.
Leah hit her last wind when Thanatos slammed her entire body against the wall of the mountain. He had her pinned. Now he was just laughing at her, and taunting her. He knew she didn't have the strength in her.
"What are you going to do," Thanatos snickered, "call on your Man to help you? Don't be ridiculous. He'll never come for you. Like I said, I'm the only one who could find use in an old, used up, piece of trash like you."
Suddenly, it dawned on Leah. She should call on the Man from her dream to save her! Maybe He would help. He was so kind and warm in the dream. Why wouldn't He come and help her? So with her last breath of confidence, she let out a cry for help that reached the limits of the sky.
"Help me! I need You! I need Your strength! I can't do it without You! Please don't forsake me!"
Thanatos was hit with a wave of shock at Leah's cry. But he continued to hold her tight against the wall of the mountain. When she stopped crying out, there was a silence so loud it deafened the heart. Thanatos thought he had won. He laughed mischievously. Leah's heart was wrought with anguish. She thought He wasn't coming.
Suddenly, a thunderous trumpet billowed through the whole country. The mountain shook, and the rocks began to tumble. Then, the clouds split, and the sun shined through to Leah. An army of many angels came rushing through the partition in the clouds and down toward Thanatos. The sound coming from above the clouds was so glorious. Leah had never heard a more beautiful and breath-taking sound in her whole of existence.
Thanatos knew this sound. He snapped his fingers and called forth the most defiled and disfigured creatures to battle. They came from the depths and from inside the mountain. Had they been following her this whole time?
"You may have won this little battle, but rest assured that I'm not finished with you yet. I'm coming back for you," Thanatos said. Then, he disappeared.
Leah, free from the bonds of her former lover, fell to the ground in weakness. She had no strength left, but one thing she could do: keep her eyes fixed on this battle, thanking the Man who saved her life from Thanatos. She lay on the cliff of the mountain, worn, exhausted, but so grateful. She felt a sudden peace in her body come over her, and she knew it would be safe to close her eyes and rest, even if it was just for a little bit. As her eyes glazed over and slowly closed, she saw a Man coming toward her. He knelt down and gently picked her up. She was safe in the arms of her new Love.
He was at it again; tearing her down, ripping her heart out. Leah crawled along the edge of the mountain, praying with fervency that she would not fall off. The sharp fangs of the precipice scraped against her pale bare legs. With each step she felt her heart grow more and more weary. It was bad enough that she had not eaten in days, but the emotional strain of him was almost unbearable.
Another attempt to crawl. The trim of her tattered dress had gotten snagged on the ridge. It pulled her back slightly. She let out a sigh of exasperation. Could this get any worse? Maybe it could.
Thanatos, a tall thin man who had the strength of an ox, squeezed Leah from shoulder to shoulder.
"You ungrateful twit. Don't you know all that I've done for you? I've given you people and pleasure and luxury unending! Yet you leave me for this Man??"
His eyes were like black crystal balls; she could see herself so clearly. It was like looking into a black hole. Thanatos terrified Leah greatly. He had come to her as a small child and threatened her very existence. It seemed to her that he knew every way to keep her in the grip of his clammy, greasy hands. He had made his mark on her by taking away one that she cared for so deeply. She felt enslaved by this nefarious creature. But of course, now that she had this dream about a Man and a light, and she knew the path He wanted her on, Thanatos was angrier than ever.
"Who do you think you are, Leah," Thanatos raged against her, throwing her on the dirt. "You think this road will be easy? You think it will be fun? You know what happened last time you tried to get away from me. I don't take your rebellion lightly."
"I just want to keep going," panted Leah, dehydrated and exhausted from the journey.
"Well, who said I would let you? You cannot just leave me whenever you want. You're mine, remember? You belong to me, not this crazy Man. He's a figment of your imagination."
Leah wanted to keep going. She wanted to follow the path. But she was so tired, and Thanatos would not leave her alone. Thoughts of giving up and turning back came to her mind. Maybe she should just let him have his way with her. All he wants is companionship, right? When she did what he said, everything went fine. But the memories of how she felt during her years with him echoed throughout her heart. She could not go back to being with him. She could not continue this life of slavery with a man that only abused her. This dream, however silly and childish, was the only thing she had to hold on to. And she had to hold on.
"Leave me alone, Thanatos," she whispered, bracing herself for what was to come next.
"Excuse me," Thanatos responded, not quite sure of what she was trying to pull.
"Leave...me...alone," she repeated. A strength was rising up within her, one she had not known until now.
"Hmph! You cannot tell me to leave you alone. I am the master. You are the slave. Now shut up before I give you something to complain about!"
Leah started to get up. Something was making her stronger. Something was giving her zeal to stop Thanatos. Rising up, she said, "Leave me alone, Thanatos! I won't be controlled or manipulated by you anymore! I've had enough!" She stood strong, only in time for Thanatos to kick her back to the ground.
"NO," he shouted in defense. "You're mine!"
"I will never be yours again, you spineless pig! Get away from me," she screamed, lying on her back, still trying to get up.
Thanatos was filled with fury. He started to go after Leah with means to kill her. Leah scuffled back and started to scramble to get away from him. But he was too quick. He grabbed her ankles and pulled her straight under him. She squealed for help, but her voice echoed on the cliff of the mountain. Leah swung her right hand and struck Thanatos' face, but immediately gasped. She couldn't believe she just hit him. His eyes were suddenly filled with flames. She thought she could even hear the screams of others in his eyes; the souls of those he'd taken captive forever. Leah froze, terrified of what he was going to do next. She knew she could not get him to relent in punishment this time. Her eyes grew larger, as a doe before her last breath.
Thanatos grabbed her wrists, which were carefully tucked in front of her chest. He pulled Leah to a standing position, and brushed the dirt off her cold body. Leah stood there amazed, but still afraid. What was he going to do? Was this over? Or was she in for something far worse?
"You were always my favorite," Thanatos said calmly. Leah could not speak. Her mouth was frozen from shock. "But, I guess I'll have to replace you with another, more beautiful, young woman. You know, there's one of your sisters that I admire quite a bit. She's not quite as old and used up as you are. Maybe I'll have her instead. Go play with your Man and follow your silly dream. I'll get my satisfaction elsewhere."
"Wait! No! You can't take her! She's too young!" Leah's heart began pounding. She loved her sisters. She knew the younger ones could not handle the pain and torment she had already endured. But going back to Thanatos was not an option. She had to stop him. But how?
"Oh, I will take her," Thanatos assured Leah. "I'll have her, and everyone else you care about on this earth. You will be alone. No one will be there for you if you follow this silly Man."
The strength came back to Leah like a lightning bolt striking the earth. She was consumed with zeal for the ones she loved. She wasn't going to let him take them. So, with all the physical strength Leah had left, she attacked Thanatos. They struggled for quite sometime. Minutes seemed like hours in this endless battle between the weak and the seemingly strong. But after awhile, Leah knew she could not do this in her own strength. She struggled and tried, and gave all her effort against the creature who was after her soul, but time was running out.
Leah hit her last wind when Thanatos slammed her entire body against the wall of the mountain. He had her pinned. Now he was just laughing at her, and taunting her. He knew she didn't have the strength in her.
"What are you going to do," Thanatos snickered, "call on your Man to help you? Don't be ridiculous. He'll never come for you. Like I said, I'm the only one who could find use in an old, used up, piece of trash like you."
Suddenly, it dawned on Leah. She should call on the Man from her dream to save her! Maybe He would help. He was so kind and warm in the dream. Why wouldn't He come and help her? So with her last breath of confidence, she let out a cry for help that reached the limits of the sky.
"Help me! I need You! I need Your strength! I can't do it without You! Please don't forsake me!"
Thanatos was hit with a wave of shock at Leah's cry. But he continued to hold her tight against the wall of the mountain. When she stopped crying out, there was a silence so loud it deafened the heart. Thanatos thought he had won. He laughed mischievously. Leah's heart was wrought with anguish. She thought He wasn't coming.
Suddenly, a thunderous trumpet billowed through the whole country. The mountain shook, and the rocks began to tumble. Then, the clouds split, and the sun shined through to Leah. An army of many angels came rushing through the partition in the clouds and down toward Thanatos. The sound coming from above the clouds was so glorious. Leah had never heard a more beautiful and breath-taking sound in her whole of existence.
Thanatos knew this sound. He snapped his fingers and called forth the most defiled and disfigured creatures to battle. They came from the depths and from inside the mountain. Had they been following her this whole time?
"You may have won this little battle, but rest assured that I'm not finished with you yet. I'm coming back for you," Thanatos said. Then, he disappeared.
Leah, free from the bonds of her former lover, fell to the ground in weakness. She had no strength left, but one thing she could do: keep her eyes fixed on this battle, thanking the Man who saved her life from Thanatos. She lay on the cliff of the mountain, worn, exhausted, but so grateful. She felt a sudden peace in her body come over her, and she knew it would be safe to close her eyes and rest, even if it was just for a little bit. As her eyes glazed over and slowly closed, she saw a Man coming toward her. He knelt down and gently picked her up. She was safe in the arms of her new Love.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Don't Give Up (Working Title, Short Story)
She sees the road in front of her. One straight dirt path. It seems scary, she thinks, clothed in a little torn dress. Her bones protrude through the thin linen covering, and she has no coat to wear nor shoes for her feet. Her medium-length brown hair falls down along the frame of her face, and is a stringy as her dress. This dress has seen many years, and has been worn and tattered...but it was all she had. Her green and gold eyes change from bright green to a blue-gray, depending on her mood. Today, she feels the gray in her soul.
She stared down the road. This road that she must go down isn't laden with gold or silver. It doesn't have flowers or birds. It's dark. A sort of gray, clouded atmosphere engulfs the little dirt path. Gloomy mountains are at the end of her vision, accompanied with lightning and thunder.
She has this choice in front of her. Should she go down the path?
She was told once by a Man she met, that there's light at the end of the path. He had experienced it. He knew of this light. This Man, who came to her in a dream one fateful night, shined so brightly. He had a warmth and comfort about Him that she had not seen or felt before. In the dream, He told her who she was, who she had been, and where He was taking her. He is taking me somewhere, she questioned. She was perplexed at the fact that someone else was taking her somewhere and she did not know where. Who takes me anywhere, but ME? I am the only one who decides where I go...right?
A jolt of icy wind shakes her from her flashback. She turned to look back at the path she had come by. It got smaller, she thought, perplexed. She remembered the pain of the past, and the anguish she had not only seen, but experienced first hand. A voice that she knew all too well appeared in her thoughts.
"Go back," it said.
"But I've come so far. How could I return to the past?"
The voice seemed pleasant, but there was a note and tone that made her shudder inside. The pitch of the voice made her want to listen to it.
"Look in front of you. Does that look appetizing? Why should you continue down a road in search of a light that you don't really know is even there? Who is this Man anyway? He is lying to you. He doesn't know who you are. I know who you are. Trust me."
"But I know the Man is real. I know He is. He told me things about myself that I didn't even know. He wants me on this road, moving forward. Why should I go back?"
"You silly little girl. You know nothing. You are nothing. You have nothing without me. Remember how much fun you had, back when you were mine? Remember those days? You can have that again, and so much more. Trust me, I'm the only one who knows who you really are. And let me tell you...you are worthless unless you do what I say. You think listening to a Man in some dream is going to make you any better? You got another thing coming, you ignorant little slut. If He knew who you really were, He'd reject you faster than your friends. You're lucky I haven't done away with you yet, you ugly piece of trash."
The voice had become louder and more forceful. Maybe it was right. She had done too many things in her life to think that finding the light was attainable. She was worthless. She was trash. Her heart sank and her head dropped as the voice continued it's rampage of hate towards her. He reminded her of all the things she had done when she belonged to him. He reminded her that it was her fault, and that only he could handle the greatness of her fall. He reminded her that he gave her ways out of her pain. He was sure that this Man would not care for her, and would not see her through to this so-called light. By the end of his lecture, she had crumbled to the ground, like a skeleton that had lost it's muscle and skin.
"You should just give up now, you know," the voice suggested, in a snide tone. "Yeah, you know, just give up. 'Cause obviously you don't have the strength to continue either way. I don't even know why I bother with you. You're too weak. Just give up. Do it. See if your Man will come and save you."
Silence abounded between them. But in her head, she questioned everything. Her mind was racing a mile a minute, and the confusion in her heart escalated to utter chaos. What was she to do? She knew in her heart that the Man in the dream was real, and she knew she wanted to follow Him, and she even knew that this was the path He wanted her on. But where was He? Where was He when she needed Him most? When she needed Him to defend her from that voice again? She felt an angry bitterness towards the Man arise within her.
"This is YOUR doing, You know," she screamed into the sky. "I'm here because of You. Why do You leave me like this? Why do You abandon me in my time of need? Where are You?"
Tears began to stream down her face. She cupped her face in her hands, and wept aloud. She didn't care who saw, because no one was there to comfort her anyway. She was alone, and in pain. She felt as if she was right back where she started, although the truth was that she had come so far.
A beggar man was walking down the path, and spotted her from afar. He approached with a cavalier attitude, which seemed odd because he was a beggar. He came up behind her slowly, standing tall over her.
"Get up," he thundered. Shocked and a bit afraid, she quickly wiped her eyes and attempted to make herself presentable.
"W-what," she sniffled, still wiping her eyes and fixing herself.
"Get up," he thundered again. "You have to keep going."
Who is this, she thought, that is telling me to get up and keep going. The voice of the beggar was almost recognizable, but she could not pinpoint where she heard it before.
"I can't do it," she replied. "I'm too weak. I just want to give up."
"I didn't ask you if you wanted to get up. I told you to get up. You must keep going on the path. Get up."
"No," she argued. She wasn't crying anymore. Now she was just angry. "I've been abandoned and hurt. No one is here with me to help me. I can't do it. It's too hard to do on my own. I quit. I have to quit. I can't go back. I can't go forward. I just need to quit."
"OK," the beggar said. "I was going to help you, but if you just want to sit here and feel bad for yourself, I will let you. Oh, and for the record, I know the way to the light."
Something kicked deep inside her. The voice of the beggar was too familiar. How did he know the way to the light? How did he even know about the light? Maybe he could help her out of this mess. She was sure that she would probably fail, but she thought it was worth a shot.
"Wait," she shouted after the beggar, who was already ten feet down the road. "I don't want to feel bad for myself. I am just having a hard time. But, I want to find the light. I want to go down the path."
The beggar stopped. He smiled, still facing away from her. This is what he wanted to hear.
Suddenly, the beggar turned around and shed all of his sackcloth. From underneath the beggarly attire arose the brightest light the girl had ever seen. It was the Man from the dream! He was clothed in white robes and girded with a sword. He had a crown of thorns on His head. His hair was a shiny, yet humble brown color, and His eyes were like fire piercing her heart. The olive-complected Man stared into her eyes with a love that she couldn't understand, but wanted so badly. Suddenly, she realized that all the thoughts in her head were gone. She was so consumed with the glorious beauty of the Man from her dream that she forgot about the voice and all his lies.
The Man held out His hand, and smiled. "Get up, and come with Me. I will help you."
In complete awe and almost disbelief that this was happening to her, the girl got up from the ground, shook off the dust she was covered in, and ran to the Man. She got up so quickly that she tripped a number of times trying to get to Him. But she didn't care how she looked anymore. She just wanted to be with Him.
He was real, and she loved Him.
When she approached the Man, she gazed into His fiery eyes. She was so amazed at His beauty -- that had not appeared this strong in her dream -- that her mouth dropped and her eyes grew larger and larger by the second.
The Man cupped her cheek and smiled warmly at her.
"I will NEVER leave you," He assured her, "and I will NEVER forsake you. I am always here with you, even when you can't see Me and can't feel Me. You are beautiful in My sight, and I am so in love with your heart to do My will. I will be faithful to you and I will make sure you finish your journey. I AM the light that you search for. So, don't look away from Me. Don't forget Me. I have not forgotten you, My beloved one. Will you be faithful to Me?"
The question perplexed her. It was almost as if He was waiting on edge for her response. Tears were streaming down her face. How could she not give her life to this Man? How could she not be faithful to Him? He has been so faithful to her! He had loved her with an everlasting love, and yet, she knew not the extent of it still! This is love, she thought. This is why I'm alive.
Something still tugged in her heart. She knew that His love was perfect, but hers was not. She knew she would fail Him, and this saddened her greatly.
"I want to be faithful to You, but I know I'm going to fail You," she responded, with grief in her soul.
"I know," He said with love in His eyes, "but if you take each day at a time, and sign up for loving Me every day, and you ask for forgiveness when you mess up...I will count that as faithfulness, 100%."
"Really? But what if I mess up really bad? How can You ever forgive me? What about when I listen to that voice? He always torments me, and I hate him for it."
"I can save to the uttermost those who come to Me with an honest heart. Those who call on Me when the voice attacks with his deception will always be saved from him. Plus, I have a whole army that does battle against him daily. You need not be afraid of his power, because he has none against you...because you have Me. Use your strength to call on Me, and I will save you from his tactics."
"Alright...then yes! I will be faithful to You alone. I will leave everything behind for You. I will continue on this path. I cannot do it alone, but I believe that You will help me."
The Man smiled greatly. This was His desire...to be with the girl forever. He took out a beautiful white dress from the satchel He had been carrying. The dress shined like the sun. It was the most beautiful dress the girl had ever seen. With the dress, He retrieved a silver crown that had a name on it.
"Here," He said. "Put these on. From now on, you are a princess in My kingdom. Wear these things proudly as you journey toward the goal."
She put the dress on immediately with extreme excitement in her heart. One could swear it was her birthday. She looked at the silver crown, shaped and forged so smoothly and elegantly. But she could not read the name, for it was in another language.
"What does this say? I don't understand."
"I am giving you a new name and I am putting a new song in your heart. The name is Rivka, for you are bound to Me forever. Remember this name when attack comes. Because you are bound to Me, I will be with you where you are and I will save you."
He gently took the crown from her, and placed it on her head. She was amazed at her new identity, and she didn't want to give up anymore. The Man was worth her fight. The Man was worth her effort. He had clothed her in a beautiful dress and placed a crown on her head and promised to be with her. She knew she didn't deserve all of this, but this made her love Him more. She had a new resolve to never give up and never go back. She was going to fight the good fight and run the race with endurance. She would go down this path with confidence, because she knew He was with her. But one thing still bothered her.
"Can I ask You a question," she said frankly.
"Anything," He responded, knowing already what the question in her heart was.
"What is Your Name," she asked. "You gave me a new name, but I want to know what name to call on."
He smiled and laughed.
"My name is Yeshua, because I am your salvation."
TO BE CONTINUED...
She stared down the road. This road that she must go down isn't laden with gold or silver. It doesn't have flowers or birds. It's dark. A sort of gray, clouded atmosphere engulfs the little dirt path. Gloomy mountains are at the end of her vision, accompanied with lightning and thunder.
She has this choice in front of her. Should she go down the path?
She was told once by a Man she met, that there's light at the end of the path. He had experienced it. He knew of this light. This Man, who came to her in a dream one fateful night, shined so brightly. He had a warmth and comfort about Him that she had not seen or felt before. In the dream, He told her who she was, who she had been, and where He was taking her. He is taking me somewhere, she questioned. She was perplexed at the fact that someone else was taking her somewhere and she did not know where. Who takes me anywhere, but ME? I am the only one who decides where I go...right?
A jolt of icy wind shakes her from her flashback. She turned to look back at the path she had come by. It got smaller, she thought, perplexed. She remembered the pain of the past, and the anguish she had not only seen, but experienced first hand. A voice that she knew all too well appeared in her thoughts.
"Go back," it said.
"But I've come so far. How could I return to the past?"
The voice seemed pleasant, but there was a note and tone that made her shudder inside. The pitch of the voice made her want to listen to it.
"Look in front of you. Does that look appetizing? Why should you continue down a road in search of a light that you don't really know is even there? Who is this Man anyway? He is lying to you. He doesn't know who you are. I know who you are. Trust me."
"But I know the Man is real. I know He is. He told me things about myself that I didn't even know. He wants me on this road, moving forward. Why should I go back?"
"You silly little girl. You know nothing. You are nothing. You have nothing without me. Remember how much fun you had, back when you were mine? Remember those days? You can have that again, and so much more. Trust me, I'm the only one who knows who you really are. And let me tell you...you are worthless unless you do what I say. You think listening to a Man in some dream is going to make you any better? You got another thing coming, you ignorant little slut. If He knew who you really were, He'd reject you faster than your friends. You're lucky I haven't done away with you yet, you ugly piece of trash."
The voice had become louder and more forceful. Maybe it was right. She had done too many things in her life to think that finding the light was attainable. She was worthless. She was trash. Her heart sank and her head dropped as the voice continued it's rampage of hate towards her. He reminded her of all the things she had done when she belonged to him. He reminded her that it was her fault, and that only he could handle the greatness of her fall. He reminded her that he gave her ways out of her pain. He was sure that this Man would not care for her, and would not see her through to this so-called light. By the end of his lecture, she had crumbled to the ground, like a skeleton that had lost it's muscle and skin.
"You should just give up now, you know," the voice suggested, in a snide tone. "Yeah, you know, just give up. 'Cause obviously you don't have the strength to continue either way. I don't even know why I bother with you. You're too weak. Just give up. Do it. See if your Man will come and save you."
Silence abounded between them. But in her head, she questioned everything. Her mind was racing a mile a minute, and the confusion in her heart escalated to utter chaos. What was she to do? She knew in her heart that the Man in the dream was real, and she knew she wanted to follow Him, and she even knew that this was the path He wanted her on. But where was He? Where was He when she needed Him most? When she needed Him to defend her from that voice again? She felt an angry bitterness towards the Man arise within her.
"This is YOUR doing, You know," she screamed into the sky. "I'm here because of You. Why do You leave me like this? Why do You abandon me in my time of need? Where are You?"
Tears began to stream down her face. She cupped her face in her hands, and wept aloud. She didn't care who saw, because no one was there to comfort her anyway. She was alone, and in pain. She felt as if she was right back where she started, although the truth was that she had come so far.
A beggar man was walking down the path, and spotted her from afar. He approached with a cavalier attitude, which seemed odd because he was a beggar. He came up behind her slowly, standing tall over her.
"Get up," he thundered. Shocked and a bit afraid, she quickly wiped her eyes and attempted to make herself presentable.
"W-what," she sniffled, still wiping her eyes and fixing herself.
"Get up," he thundered again. "You have to keep going."
Who is this, she thought, that is telling me to get up and keep going. The voice of the beggar was almost recognizable, but she could not pinpoint where she heard it before.
"I can't do it," she replied. "I'm too weak. I just want to give up."
"I didn't ask you if you wanted to get up. I told you to get up. You must keep going on the path. Get up."
"No," she argued. She wasn't crying anymore. Now she was just angry. "I've been abandoned and hurt. No one is here with me to help me. I can't do it. It's too hard to do on my own. I quit. I have to quit. I can't go back. I can't go forward. I just need to quit."
"OK," the beggar said. "I was going to help you, but if you just want to sit here and feel bad for yourself, I will let you. Oh, and for the record, I know the way to the light."
Something kicked deep inside her. The voice of the beggar was too familiar. How did he know the way to the light? How did he even know about the light? Maybe he could help her out of this mess. She was sure that she would probably fail, but she thought it was worth a shot.
"Wait," she shouted after the beggar, who was already ten feet down the road. "I don't want to feel bad for myself. I am just having a hard time. But, I want to find the light. I want to go down the path."
The beggar stopped. He smiled, still facing away from her. This is what he wanted to hear.
Suddenly, the beggar turned around and shed all of his sackcloth. From underneath the beggarly attire arose the brightest light the girl had ever seen. It was the Man from the dream! He was clothed in white robes and girded with a sword. He had a crown of thorns on His head. His hair was a shiny, yet humble brown color, and His eyes were like fire piercing her heart. The olive-complected Man stared into her eyes with a love that she couldn't understand, but wanted so badly. Suddenly, she realized that all the thoughts in her head were gone. She was so consumed with the glorious beauty of the Man from her dream that she forgot about the voice and all his lies.
The Man held out His hand, and smiled. "Get up, and come with Me. I will help you."
In complete awe and almost disbelief that this was happening to her, the girl got up from the ground, shook off the dust she was covered in, and ran to the Man. She got up so quickly that she tripped a number of times trying to get to Him. But she didn't care how she looked anymore. She just wanted to be with Him.
He was real, and she loved Him.
When she approached the Man, she gazed into His fiery eyes. She was so amazed at His beauty -- that had not appeared this strong in her dream -- that her mouth dropped and her eyes grew larger and larger by the second.
The Man cupped her cheek and smiled warmly at her.
"I will NEVER leave you," He assured her, "and I will NEVER forsake you. I am always here with you, even when you can't see Me and can't feel Me. You are beautiful in My sight, and I am so in love with your heart to do My will. I will be faithful to you and I will make sure you finish your journey. I AM the light that you search for. So, don't look away from Me. Don't forget Me. I have not forgotten you, My beloved one. Will you be faithful to Me?"
The question perplexed her. It was almost as if He was waiting on edge for her response. Tears were streaming down her face. How could she not give her life to this Man? How could she not be faithful to Him? He has been so faithful to her! He had loved her with an everlasting love, and yet, she knew not the extent of it still! This is love, she thought. This is why I'm alive.
Something still tugged in her heart. She knew that His love was perfect, but hers was not. She knew she would fail Him, and this saddened her greatly.
"I want to be faithful to You, but I know I'm going to fail You," she responded, with grief in her soul.
"I know," He said with love in His eyes, "but if you take each day at a time, and sign up for loving Me every day, and you ask for forgiveness when you mess up...I will count that as faithfulness, 100%."
"Really? But what if I mess up really bad? How can You ever forgive me? What about when I listen to that voice? He always torments me, and I hate him for it."
"I can save to the uttermost those who come to Me with an honest heart. Those who call on Me when the voice attacks with his deception will always be saved from him. Plus, I have a whole army that does battle against him daily. You need not be afraid of his power, because he has none against you...because you have Me. Use your strength to call on Me, and I will save you from his tactics."
"Alright...then yes! I will be faithful to You alone. I will leave everything behind for You. I will continue on this path. I cannot do it alone, but I believe that You will help me."
The Man smiled greatly. This was His desire...to be with the girl forever. He took out a beautiful white dress from the satchel He had been carrying. The dress shined like the sun. It was the most beautiful dress the girl had ever seen. With the dress, He retrieved a silver crown that had a name on it.
"Here," He said. "Put these on. From now on, you are a princess in My kingdom. Wear these things proudly as you journey toward the goal."
She put the dress on immediately with extreme excitement in her heart. One could swear it was her birthday. She looked at the silver crown, shaped and forged so smoothly and elegantly. But she could not read the name, for it was in another language.
"What does this say? I don't understand."
"I am giving you a new name and I am putting a new song in your heart. The name is Rivka, for you are bound to Me forever. Remember this name when attack comes. Because you are bound to Me, I will be with you where you are and I will save you."
He gently took the crown from her, and placed it on her head. She was amazed at her new identity, and she didn't want to give up anymore. The Man was worth her fight. The Man was worth her effort. He had clothed her in a beautiful dress and placed a crown on her head and promised to be with her. She knew she didn't deserve all of this, but this made her love Him more. She had a new resolve to never give up and never go back. She was going to fight the good fight and run the race with endurance. She would go down this path with confidence, because she knew He was with her. But one thing still bothered her.
"Can I ask You a question," she said frankly.
"Anything," He responded, knowing already what the question in her heart was.
"What is Your Name," she asked. "You gave me a new name, but I want to know what name to call on."
He smiled and laughed.
"My name is Yeshua, because I am your salvation."
TO BE CONTINUED...
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
One Thing
So, I wrote this little bit in the Prayer Room this morning. It goes in and out of prose and poetry and songs n stuff. It's not very organized...but it's what came out, lol. Just a note, if I mention the Lord as my "Lover"...I DON'T MEAN IT IN A SEXUAL WAY!!!!!!! Just wanting to clarify...some people get weird ideas. I don't mean it in any kind of weird romantic way. That's just gross. I mean it in a purely artistic sense of a heart connection to the Lord and a spiritual connection and the Lord being in first place in my heart. NOTHING MORE.
I have all these ... feelings....welling up inside of me -- all the ways You've been my Number One -- But no words to speak them, no voice to sing them, no strength to dance them. And yet, the feelings get stronger and the water boils even more. The fire grows and my heart yearns all the more. But how can I sing of the Lord when He is unknowable? How can I dance when His Presence is so immense? How can I write of this God that I know not of?
For Your thoughts are higher than my thoughts
You are perfect
Your ways are not my silly old ways
You are too good
But Lord, Your perfection surpasses the most majestic mountain, and Your goodness is far greater than the most perfect sunrise. How do You shape the mountains? And how do You fill the oceans? How do You paint the sky, with all the stars and the sun, shining so brightly? The nations are but a drop in the bucket to You, and the universes are Your sheep.
Lord! It's not good enough! My words will never match Your beautiful glory! How can I sing a song when no pitch rings true? And how can I dance the dance of a story that I cannot comprehend? What is grace, Lord? I know not the extent of Your grace! What is mercy, Lord? I cannot tell. For even the grace and mercy You've shown me stoops my frail human frame. Your grace is so great and Your mercy so strong in me! Yet...I know it not - even when it stares me in the face!
But, Lord, if You would grant me one favor, just one desire that's in my heart. If it pleases You, Lord, in Your mercy and grace...would You allow me to dwell in Your house forever? I want to be with You, Lord. I want to live in Your Presence. I don't want to leave the garden of communion. O, let me stay and gaze on Your beauty. Let me see the different facets of Your character. I want to lock eyes with my Creator. O, and Lord, I want to talk with You. Help me to hear Your voice. Let us dialogue and fellowship. I seek Your heart, Lord. Let the groaning of Your heart billow within me. I seek Your wisdom, Lord. O, Lord, if You would grant me one thing in the whole world, please, let me abide in You, and You in me, that I might be a vessel that brings glory to Your name. You are the One that I want. Above all else, give me Yourself, Father.
There is not one person, no, not a thing in all creation that satisfies my soul the way that You have Lord. You're all I need. You're all I want, Yeshua. I will never give that place in my heart to another, for You are the only One that I love. You're the only One who makes me undone. And I am undone. Because, who am I that You would love a wretch like me? What is Your love? I am incapable of pure love. Yet, You still love me, more and more.
Jesus, You're my King! I'll never seat another in Your place in my heart again! Lord, don't let me do it! Don't let me go! Hold me close, so tight that I can't escape. Father, hold me in Your arms, in Your arms of strength and safety, in Your arms of mercy and justice, in Your arms of love. O, God! Don't let me go! Don't let me go!
You are the only One for me, Lord. I'll have no other. I won't accept anyone but You. You're my only Lover. You're my only Defender. You're my only One.
Jesus is the One!
He is the only One for me!
And I'll have no other
He is my only Lover
And when I arise
You will be on my mind
When I confront the day
With You my heart will stay
So when I face the trials of the life
I know You'll be right by my side
Therefore I'll never leave You
Cause You're the only One I'll talk to!
For such a High Priest was fitting for man
That we might not bear these burdens again
You are holy, harmless, blameless, O God
You are perfected forever, the Great Echad
You are the only One found worthy
To be seated in my heart as the
King of Glory
And I look to no one,
I look for no thing
Because You are my only satisfaction, You see.
You are good
And there is no other
You are holy
And there is no other
You are righteous
There is none like You Lord
You are the One
You are the only One for me
And I'll have no other
You are my only Lover.
I have all these ... feelings....welling up inside of me -- all the ways You've been my Number One -- But no words to speak them, no voice to sing them, no strength to dance them. And yet, the feelings get stronger and the water boils even more. The fire grows and my heart yearns all the more. But how can I sing of the Lord when He is unknowable? How can I dance when His Presence is so immense? How can I write of this God that I know not of?
For Your thoughts are higher than my thoughts
You are perfect
Your ways are not my silly old ways
You are too good
But Lord, Your perfection surpasses the most majestic mountain, and Your goodness is far greater than the most perfect sunrise. How do You shape the mountains? And how do You fill the oceans? How do You paint the sky, with all the stars and the sun, shining so brightly? The nations are but a drop in the bucket to You, and the universes are Your sheep.
Lord! It's not good enough! My words will never match Your beautiful glory! How can I sing a song when no pitch rings true? And how can I dance the dance of a story that I cannot comprehend? What is grace, Lord? I know not the extent of Your grace! What is mercy, Lord? I cannot tell. For even the grace and mercy You've shown me stoops my frail human frame. Your grace is so great and Your mercy so strong in me! Yet...I know it not - even when it stares me in the face!But, Lord, if You would grant me one favor, just one desire that's in my heart. If it pleases You, Lord, in Your mercy and grace...would You allow me to dwell in Your house forever? I want to be with You, Lord. I want to live in Your Presence. I don't want to leave the garden of communion. O, let me stay and gaze on Your beauty. Let me see the different facets of Your character. I want to lock eyes with my Creator. O, and Lord, I want to talk with You. Help me to hear Your voice. Let us dialogue and fellowship. I seek Your heart, Lord. Let the groaning of Your heart billow within me. I seek Your wisdom, Lord. O, Lord, if You would grant me one thing in the whole world, please, let me abide in You, and You in me, that I might be a vessel that brings glory to Your name. You are the One that I want. Above all else, give me Yourself, Father.
There is not one person, no, not a thing in all creation that satisfies my soul the way that You have Lord. You're all I need. You're all I want, Yeshua. I will never give that place in my heart to another, for You are the only One that I love. You're the only One who makes me undone. And I am undone. Because, who am I that You would love a wretch like me? What is Your love? I am incapable of pure love. Yet, You still love me, more and more.
Jesus, You're my King! I'll never seat another in Your place in my heart again! Lord, don't let me do it! Don't let me go! Hold me close, so tight that I can't escape. Father, hold me in Your arms, in Your arms of strength and safety, in Your arms of mercy and justice, in Your arms of love. O, God! Don't let me go! Don't let me go!
You are the only One for me, Lord. I'll have no other. I won't accept anyone but You. You're my only Lover. You're my only Defender. You're my only One.
Jesus is the One!
He is the only One for me!
And I'll have no other
He is my only Lover
And when I arise
You will be on my mind
When I confront the day
With You my heart will stay
So when I face the trials of the life
I know You'll be right by my side
Therefore I'll never leave You
Cause You're the only One I'll talk to!
For such a High Priest was fitting for man
That we might not bear these burdens again
You are holy, harmless, blameless, O God
You are perfected forever, the Great Echad
You are the only One found worthy
To be seated in my heart as the
King of Glory
And I look to no one,
I look for no thing
Because You are my only satisfaction, You see.
You are good
And there is no other
You are holy
And there is no other
You are righteous
There is none like You Lord
You are the One
You are the only One for me
And I'll have no other
You are my only Lover.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Woman Of White & Red
I haven't blogged in a really long time. Finally, I have a day where I can just go to my favorite Starbucks, sip on a yummy peppermint mocha (half the pumps of each, of course, cause that's nasty), and process. I typically use my blog to process things, or to share things that have been burning on my heart. Recently, my ability to process properly has been slightly intercepted. I've been thrown through the loop, taken out, and then thrown back in again. All of this is all, of course, for the purpose of bringing me to the place of desired wholeness. I have within me a deep, strong desire to be whole and healthy; to love the Lord, myself, and others the way I was created and called to. I also have this recent (meaning, withing the past year) ability to be pretty transparent about my life, the things I've gone through, and the issues I struggle with.
In case you haven't noticed....I'M PRETTY SCREWED UP.
But, praise God, I'm also a fighter. I'm not the kind to stand around and just let things happen. Since about August 2009, I've had this extra kick in my spirit to get free from the things that hinder me from loving God and receiving His love in return. It's like the Lord placed in me a little extra zeal to overcome. I believe this is actually called the anointing of the overcomer. But, I feel so blessed because I used to be a terrified little girl who couldn't stand up for myself (to some degree, I still am this little girl, but there is hope for me yet!). Now, I feel like the Lord has given me strength to do the unthinkable: fight for my freedom at all costs. This is still a process, and I'm definitely in the middle of the war. I've won a couple battles (it is He who makes me strong), but it ain't over until the New Jerusalem comes down! ;-)
The greatest revelation that has come into my heart (only yesterday!) is that I won't survive unless He has every part of me. Many times, we cover up the things from our past or our present wounds with hope that God will just eventually heal it. What ends up happening is that it just stays in there and festers and gets nasty puss all in it until it's so big we can't handle it anymore. We ask where it came from and why we are dealing with it. It started with digging a hole in our hearts, hiding it, and then covering it up again with mud. We don't want the Lord to look at these disgusting things inside of us because we want so bad to be good little children. We think God won't love us anymore, or it's so big that it's too much for the God of the Universe to handle. Or, we think that letting the lion out of the cage will just make things worse, so it's better to just not focus on it.
The point I am trying to make is that we cannot hide what's in our hearts from the Lord. So why bother? My desire is to dig up that weed, give it to Him and say, "Here, You deal with it! It's too big for me! And while You're at it, teach me how to live without the weeds!" But, if the Lord doesn't show me a weed to dig up, then I don't go searching. We can get into a naval-gazing attitude, where all we do is search and search and search for all the bad things in us. This is not what I'm suggesting. What I am suggesting is simply this prayer: "Lord, remove everything that hinders love, and give me grace to give it all to You when You show me. Make me whole, Lord." The mistake we make in the whole inner healing thing is that we actually try to find things and try to be God in it all. I don't know everything that's wrong with me. But God does. So, when He brings it up (which He will), then I will be faithful in letting Him take it. My job is just to open the door to Him and ask Him to remove it. His job is the finding and bringing up and removing.
Now for those of us who already know we have issues that are sometimes painfully obvious, I think it's important to be transparent with the Lord and not try to cover it up. If He brings it up, don't push it down. Just logically say, "Oh! Thanks, Lord. I didn't know that was there. Here. I open the door to that part of me and let You take it. Now let's talk about You!" This is so hard to do, and I am NOT by any stretch and expert at doing this. I am more of the type who thinks about it and tries to figure it out and processes and doesn't really let it go. But that's bad!
Some things, I've found, take more than just an "oh, here Ya go". Some of the roots in us are so deep that we aren't even strong enough to say yes to Him so He can take it. This is where the body of believers come in to help us say yes to God. I really believe that we are here to bear one another's burdens in love, and that sometimes it takes another person to help us give our all to the Lord. Getting help for our issues is not a sin. It actually takes a lot of courage to admit that we need help and can't do it on our own anymore. It takes even more courage to go and seek that help. Then, it takes even more courage to maintain that yes in your spirit and not allow things back into your life! The Lord loves us in our weakness. He didn't say, "You must be strong and pretend to be perfect because only the righteous ones are perfect! All you weak ones who need help...I don't like you, and I won't help you." It's actually in our weakness that the Lord's strength is the most manifest and because of said weakness, His strength is, therefore, perfected in us! It's about the process of progress, not the pressure of perfection!!!!
What does it even mean to love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength (or resources)?? How can I love Him if I'm so broken that I don't even know what's up and what's down? Right now, loving the Lord with everything I have is saying yes to His fullness and His wholeness. "Ok, Lord. Take it all." I want my life to be a testimony of Jesus and His faithfulness to change one of the hardest and darkest into softness and light.
One of my classmates was praying for me one day, and she got a picture of a white rose. She didn't know what it meant, but she told me to ask the Lord. So, I was casually asking the Lord for a few days. Then, during the FCF Service on Saturday night, I went up for the ministry time (regarding being at the feet of Jesus, and giving Him my all). This woman came up behind me to pray for me, and laid her hand on my back. I didn't know what she said because it was so loud, but the picture of the white rose came into my head. I saw the white rose, and then I saw it being painted with the blood of Jesus. Then, the picture panned out, and I saw myself holding the rose in a flowy dance skirt, a tank top, and pointe shoes (ballet). The Father pressed the rose close to my heart, and I began to dance. I thought it was strange because I'm not on pointe, but I was twirling and leaping with this rose nonetheless. I asked the Lord, "What do You want me to know about this? Why are You showing me this?" The interpretation I received was that I was the white rose, drenched in His blood, and that this was the testimony of Jesus. My dance was a conduit for this testimony.
In researching the symbolism of white roses, I came across a plethora of complexities revolving around this one rose. White roses, as many probably know, are a symbol for purity, righteousness, innocence, and virtue. But it also has many other meanings. Refinement, unblemished, heavenly, beauty, victory, true love (in early traditions, white roses - not red - were the symbol for true love), honor, reverence, new beginnings, hope, martyrdom, etc. In WWII, the White Rose Resistance stood unto death against the Nazi Regime.
I felt like the Lord was speaking to me that this is how He sees me. He sees me as pure and spotless; a woman of honor who is victorious against evil. I also felt like He was saying that I am protected by the blood of the Lamb. He will give me the power to overcome, and protect me.
Lord, give me grace to say yes to Your will daily. Give me strength to overcome by the power of Your blood. I submit my will to the Holy Spirit, and I ask for wholeness. Take it all, Lord. Just give me Jesus. Thank You for Your amazing love that calls me out as pure and blameless before you, that I might have courage to go down that path to freedom. Thank You for Yourself, Jesus. Amen.
In case you haven't noticed....I'M PRETTY SCREWED UP.
The greatest revelation that has come into my heart (only yesterday!) is that I won't survive unless He has every part of me. Many times, we cover up the things from our past or our present wounds with hope that God will just eventually heal it. What ends up happening is that it just stays in there and festers and gets nasty puss all in it until it's so big we can't handle it anymore. We ask where it came from and why we are dealing with it. It started with digging a hole in our hearts, hiding it, and then covering it up again with mud. We don't want the Lord to look at these disgusting things inside of us because we want so bad to be good little children. We think God won't love us anymore, or it's so big that it's too much for the God of the Universe to handle. Or, we think that letting the lion out of the cage will just make things worse, so it's better to just not focus on it.
The point I am trying to make is that we cannot hide what's in our hearts from the Lord. So why bother? My desire is to dig up that weed, give it to Him and say, "Here, You deal with it! It's too big for me! And while You're at it, teach me how to live without the weeds!" But, if the Lord doesn't show me a weed to dig up, then I don't go searching. We can get into a naval-gazing attitude, where all we do is search and search and search for all the bad things in us. This is not what I'm suggesting. What I am suggesting is simply this prayer: "Lord, remove everything that hinders love, and give me grace to give it all to You when You show me. Make me whole, Lord." The mistake we make in the whole inner healing thing is that we actually try to find things and try to be God in it all. I don't know everything that's wrong with me. But God does. So, when He brings it up (which He will), then I will be faithful in letting Him take it. My job is just to open the door to Him and ask Him to remove it. His job is the finding and bringing up and removing.
Now for those of us who already know we have issues that are sometimes painfully obvious, I think it's important to be transparent with the Lord and not try to cover it up. If He brings it up, don't push it down. Just logically say, "Oh! Thanks, Lord. I didn't know that was there. Here. I open the door to that part of me and let You take it. Now let's talk about You!" This is so hard to do, and I am NOT by any stretch and expert at doing this. I am more of the type who thinks about it and tries to figure it out and processes and doesn't really let it go. But that's bad!
Some things, I've found, take more than just an "oh, here Ya go". Some of the roots in us are so deep that we aren't even strong enough to say yes to Him so He can take it. This is where the body of believers come in to help us say yes to God. I really believe that we are here to bear one another's burdens in love, and that sometimes it takes another person to help us give our all to the Lord. Getting help for our issues is not a sin. It actually takes a lot of courage to admit that we need help and can't do it on our own anymore. It takes even more courage to go and seek that help. Then, it takes even more courage to maintain that yes in your spirit and not allow things back into your life! The Lord loves us in our weakness. He didn't say, "You must be strong and pretend to be perfect because only the righteous ones are perfect! All you weak ones who need help...I don't like you, and I won't help you." It's actually in our weakness that the Lord's strength is the most manifest and because of said weakness, His strength is, therefore, perfected in us! It's about the process of progress, not the pressure of perfection!!!!
What does it even mean to love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength (or resources)?? How can I love Him if I'm so broken that I don't even know what's up and what's down? Right now, loving the Lord with everything I have is saying yes to His fullness and His wholeness. "Ok, Lord. Take it all." I want my life to be a testimony of Jesus and His faithfulness to change one of the hardest and darkest into softness and light.
One of my classmates was praying for me one day, and she got a picture of a white rose. She didn't know what it meant, but she told me to ask the Lord. So, I was casually asking the Lord for a few days. Then, during the FCF Service on Saturday night, I went up for the ministry time (regarding being at the feet of Jesus, and giving Him my all). This woman came up behind me to pray for me, and laid her hand on my back. I didn't know what she said because it was so loud, but the picture of the white rose came into my head. I saw the white rose, and then I saw it being painted with the blood of Jesus. Then, the picture panned out, and I saw myself holding the rose in a flowy dance skirt, a tank top, and pointe shoes (ballet). The Father pressed the rose close to my heart, and I began to dance. I thought it was strange because I'm not on pointe, but I was twirling and leaping with this rose nonetheless. I asked the Lord, "What do You want me to know about this? Why are You showing me this?" The interpretation I received was that I was the white rose, drenched in His blood, and that this was the testimony of Jesus. My dance was a conduit for this testimony.
In researching the symbolism of white roses, I came across a plethora of complexities revolving around this one rose. White roses, as many probably know, are a symbol for purity, righteousness, innocence, and virtue. But it also has many other meanings. Refinement, unblemished, heavenly, beauty, victory, true love (in early traditions, white roses - not red - were the symbol for true love), honor, reverence, new beginnings, hope, martyrdom, etc. In WWII, the White Rose Resistance stood unto death against the Nazi Regime. I felt like the Lord was speaking to me that this is how He sees me. He sees me as pure and spotless; a woman of honor who is victorious against evil. I also felt like He was saying that I am protected by the blood of the Lamb. He will give me the power to overcome, and protect me.
Lord, give me grace to say yes to Your will daily. Give me strength to overcome by the power of Your blood. I submit my will to the Holy Spirit, and I ask for wholeness. Take it all, Lord. Just give me Jesus. Thank You for Your amazing love that calls me out as pure and blameless before you, that I might have courage to go down that path to freedom. Thank You for Yourself, Jesus. Amen.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Pictures by Kymberly Janelle Photography
Pics Pics Pics! This person is amazing...:) <3 Kymberly Janelle!
http://www.kymberlyjanellephotography.com/blog/?p=534
http://www.kymberlyjanellephotography.com/blog/?p=534
Nefarious: Merchant of Souls Screening - Exhortation for Parents
Tonight, I saw the screening of Nefarious: Merchant of Souls. It's a documentary exposing the human sex slave trade, human trafficking, prostitution, etc. I must say, for a Christian movie, this was really REALLY good. It was very intense, very real, and very raw. I wish it was in all the theaters all over the country! It actually puts Yeshua in a realistic light!!! Real people coming to know God through impossible circumstances. I cried through the entire movie. This movie was so informative and yet, it brings Jesus into the situation in such a way that doesn't make things seem awkward and cheesy. FINALLY!!!! The only other movie that I think is a legit Christian movie is To Save A Life.
Anyway, the movie made some pretty clear and tough statements to handle. I think one of the craziest comments through the movie was from a pimp who said, "Thank God for all those dads, step-dads, uncles, etc. who get the girls seasoned through abuse." That's not a direct quote. But...wow. 95% of all the prostitutes today (I believe in America, actually) have suffered sexual abuse by their fathers or a male figure in their family. This is the beginning stages of feelings of worthlessness. The male figure is declaring to the child their worth and value at a young age.
To top this off, 80%-90% of all female children in Cambodia are being sold BY THEIR PARENTS into the sex slave industry to make money for them. Why? So the dads can sit on their butts, smoking, drinking and playing games, and the moms can have tv's and cell phones. It's horrifying to me the reality of how much of an orphaned generation we are today. Parents are selling their kids into sex slavery. Here, I see a wide variety of both good and bad parents. Sometimes, I see parents who are so bent of their own perfection that they cover up and control their children. They literally bring them into their dysfunction. This is similar, but in a different way for the other side. Other parents are so screwed up themselves that they suck their children into their issues and make their lives hell. I'm actually talking about believing parents here. That's the shocker.
It makes me so aware of the fact that we are a truly broken generation in need of a Jesus who heals, and a Father who fathers us. We've been tormented and exploited on a number of levels that we end up in situation of bondage, sometimes even in prostitution (whether you're being paid for it or not). I couldn't help but relate so intensely to the emotions of some of these girls coming out of prostitution. I've never prostituted myself, to be clear. But some of the things I've gone through follow closely to the emotional situations. It just makes me think I need to be in counselling way more than I thought.
This broken generation doesn't need anymore cheesy ridiculous Christian movies, or silly camps that pretend like everything is ok and Jesus is only fun and games! We need the God of holy fire that will come down and heal our wounded and distressed hearts! We need the Holy Spirit to reign in our bodies so we can find real lasting identity in Yeshua who died for us. When He was crucified on the cross, it was pretty darn gruesome. It wasn't a game. It wasn't a joke. It wasn't beautiful. That is the Yeshua we need. That is the God that our broken and depressed and hopeless generation needs. We need people to surround us that say that it's ok to be weak and broken and that we don't have to hide the terrors on the inside anymore. If we don't let it come up, it won't come out. No more pretending! We need the Word of God to pierce our hearts!
Parents, I'm urging you to not let your children fall through the cracks because of your own brokenness. Rise up and fight for them. Don't fight against them because they're hurting. Fight for them, along side them, with Yeshua in the midst of you both. Don't let this epidemic of a "fatherless" generation continue. Don't leave your children orphans. Love them through their pain.
God, I ask that You would come and teach me the way I should go. Reign in my being, that I might find wholeness by Your Spirit through Your Son. God, save me from myself today. Bring me out of the miry clay. Help me to bring all my wounds and afflictions before Your throne. I want healing. I want wholeness. But I can't do this on my own. Rescue me from the horrible pit, Father. Rescue me and clean my wounds, for my flesh is torn and my body mangled. I don't have any strength left, God. I need Your arms of love to rise up. Take away my mourning, and give me beauty for ashes. In the Name of Yeshua who heals me through His great sacrifice, Amen.
Anyway, the movie made some pretty clear and tough statements to handle. I think one of the craziest comments through the movie was from a pimp who said, "Thank God for all those dads, step-dads, uncles, etc. who get the girls seasoned through abuse." That's not a direct quote. But...wow. 95% of all the prostitutes today (I believe in America, actually) have suffered sexual abuse by their fathers or a male figure in their family. This is the beginning stages of feelings of worthlessness. The male figure is declaring to the child their worth and value at a young age.
To top this off, 80%-90% of all female children in Cambodia are being sold BY THEIR PARENTS into the sex slave industry to make money for them. Why? So the dads can sit on their butts, smoking, drinking and playing games, and the moms can have tv's and cell phones. It's horrifying to me the reality of how much of an orphaned generation we are today. Parents are selling their kids into sex slavery. Here, I see a wide variety of both good and bad parents. Sometimes, I see parents who are so bent of their own perfection that they cover up and control their children. They literally bring them into their dysfunction. This is similar, but in a different way for the other side. Other parents are so screwed up themselves that they suck their children into their issues and make their lives hell. I'm actually talking about believing parents here. That's the shocker.
It makes me so aware of the fact that we are a truly broken generation in need of a Jesus who heals, and a Father who fathers us. We've been tormented and exploited on a number of levels that we end up in situation of bondage, sometimes even in prostitution (whether you're being paid for it or not). I couldn't help but relate so intensely to the emotions of some of these girls coming out of prostitution. I've never prostituted myself, to be clear. But some of the things I've gone through follow closely to the emotional situations. It just makes me think I need to be in counselling way more than I thought.
This broken generation doesn't need anymore cheesy ridiculous Christian movies, or silly camps that pretend like everything is ok and Jesus is only fun and games! We need the God of holy fire that will come down and heal our wounded and distressed hearts! We need the Holy Spirit to reign in our bodies so we can find real lasting identity in Yeshua who died for us. When He was crucified on the cross, it was pretty darn gruesome. It wasn't a game. It wasn't a joke. It wasn't beautiful. That is the Yeshua we need. That is the God that our broken and depressed and hopeless generation needs. We need people to surround us that say that it's ok to be weak and broken and that we don't have to hide the terrors on the inside anymore. If we don't let it come up, it won't come out. No more pretending! We need the Word of God to pierce our hearts!
Parents, I'm urging you to not let your children fall through the cracks because of your own brokenness. Rise up and fight for them. Don't fight against them because they're hurting. Fight for them, along side them, with Yeshua in the midst of you both. Don't let this epidemic of a "fatherless" generation continue. Don't leave your children orphans. Love them through their pain.
God, I ask that You would come and teach me the way I should go. Reign in my being, that I might find wholeness by Your Spirit through Your Son. God, save me from myself today. Bring me out of the miry clay. Help me to bring all my wounds and afflictions before Your throne. I want healing. I want wholeness. But I can't do this on my own. Rescue me from the horrible pit, Father. Rescue me and clean my wounds, for my flesh is torn and my body mangled. I don't have any strength left, God. I need Your arms of love to rise up. Take away my mourning, and give me beauty for ashes. In the Name of Yeshua who heals me through His great sacrifice, Amen.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Did Someone Just Roar At Me? Encounters With Jealous Jealousy.
What happens when the love of God, nay, the jealousy of God encounters you in a way that you actually didn't want it to? What happens when you realize that God actually loves you so much that He's willing to remove everything you hold close to get you to just look at Him? What happens when you lose everything for the sake of knowing God?
You know, we say things like, "God, I'd do anything for You! Just name it!" or "I love You more than any other" or "I count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord" (Phil 3:8-9)...but what happens when He answers our little prayers? What happens when He asks us to do the unthinkable? When He says, "Go here, now, and don't complain or ask questions"? What happens when the thing (or person) you love the most is actually the thing that God wants to take away...because it's hindering your relationship with Him?
We can say these little prayers all we want, and they can be real in our hearts, but when He truly answers your "heart's cry" and takes you seriously when you say you count ALL things loss, will you be ready to throw it all away? Will you be willing to give up that which you hold closest to your heart (however godly it may be) to follow Christ?
Shopping?
Coffee?
Boyfriends?
Alcohol?
Clothes?
Books?
Facebook?
Your family?
Popularity?
What are we really willing to give up for Him? How far are we really willing to go to get closer to Him? We can use all the language we want and we can make it sound all pretty in our unnecessarily long prayers to prove to others how holy we are. But in the end...what will you give up for Him?
The word "torrent" simply means "a heavy, uncontrolled outpouring". We think God's wrath is cruel, and His anger a heavy, uncontrolled outpouring, but have we met Jealous Jealousy yet? I find myself overwhelmed and unable to stand at the presence of God's severe jealousy for me. In my attempt not to be completely horrified and angry with Him, I find myself regressing to a rather laid out, on my face, sobbing over my weakness and His immense jealousy state of being. What more could I ask for? The God of love is loving me. And yet, His jealousy has struck me to the pit of my being. I'm immovable. A stone in awe of the High and Lofty One. It's like an arrow in my heart; I'm not sure whether to pull it out, or to just break the tip off and forget the rest. The Lord of lords has wounded me.
The love that I have been asking and waiting for has manifested itself as a Lion...completely terrifying roar.
Is this the God of love you know? I sure haven't known Him like this before. I've known His tender love and affection, His grace that empowers me to follow Him, and the One whose hearts burns for His children. I've known the Jesus who serves, the Jewish Rabbi, the Intercessor, the High Priest...and so on and so forth (we could be here all day if I listed them all). Suddenly, the Bridegroom, King, and Judge all came together (meaning, all the facets of Jesus became one...even though they already were one to begin with, but you know what I mean) and this resounding "ROOOOAAAAAARRRRRR" came out of Him...so now I'm on my face, freakin' out. lol.
You know when God kinda just turns your world upside down and you're left in this pseudo-blob state with some twitching so people know you're alive? Well...that's me. Right now. I'm really not sure whether to just cry all day or to scream. "OK! OK! YESHUA, I GET IT. I'M YOURS. I BELONG TO YOU!!"
So now begins the journey of living before Jealous Jealous and no one else...
You know, we say things like, "God, I'd do anything for You! Just name it!" or "I love You more than any other" or "I count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord" (Phil 3:8-9)...but what happens when He answers our little prayers? What happens when He asks us to do the unthinkable? When He says, "Go here, now, and don't complain or ask questions"? What happens when the thing (or person) you love the most is actually the thing that God wants to take away...because it's hindering your relationship with Him?
We can say these little prayers all we want, and they can be real in our hearts, but when He truly answers your "heart's cry" and takes you seriously when you say you count ALL things loss, will you be ready to throw it all away? Will you be willing to give up that which you hold closest to your heart (however godly it may be) to follow Christ?
What are we really willing to give up for Him? How far are we really willing to go to get closer to Him? We can use all the language we want and we can make it sound all pretty in our unnecessarily long prayers to prove to others how holy we are. But in the end...what will you give up for Him?
"Wrath is cruel, and anger a torrent, But who is able to stand before jealousy?" (Proverbs 27:4, NKJV)
The word "torrent" simply means "a heavy, uncontrolled outpouring". We think God's wrath is cruel, and His anger a heavy, uncontrolled outpouring, but have we met Jealous Jealousy yet? I find myself overwhelmed and unable to stand at the presence of God's severe jealousy for me. In my attempt not to be completely horrified and angry with Him, I find myself regressing to a rather laid out, on my face, sobbing over my weakness and His immense jealousy state of being. What more could I ask for? The God of love is loving me. And yet, His jealousy has struck me to the pit of my being. I'm immovable. A stone in awe of the High and Lofty One. It's like an arrow in my heart; I'm not sure whether to pull it out, or to just break the tip off and forget the rest. The Lord of lords has wounded me.
The love that I have been asking and waiting for has manifested itself as a Lion...completely terrifying roar.
Is this the God of love you know? I sure haven't known Him like this before. I've known His tender love and affection, His grace that empowers me to follow Him, and the One whose hearts burns for His children. I've known the Jesus who serves, the Jewish Rabbi, the Intercessor, the High Priest...and so on and so forth (we could be here all day if I listed them all). Suddenly, the Bridegroom, King, and Judge all came together (meaning, all the facets of Jesus became one...even though they already were one to begin with, but you know what I mean) and this resounding "ROOOOAAAAAARRRRRR" came out of Him...so now I'm on my face, freakin' out. lol.
You know when God kinda just turns your world upside down and you're left in this pseudo-blob state with some twitching so people know you're alive? Well...that's me. Right now. I'm really not sure whether to just cry all day or to scream. "OK! OK! YESHUA, I GET IT. I'M YOURS. I BELONG TO YOU!!"
So now begins the journey of living before Jealous Jealous and no one else...
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Isaiah 57:15
For thus says the High and Lofty One
Who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy:
"I dwell in the high and holy place,
With him who has a contrite and humble spirit,
To revive the spirit of the humble,
And to revive the heart of the contrite ones."
Monday, October 3, 2011
The Potter Molds His Clay
"But now, O Lord, You are our Father; We are the clay, and You our potter; And all we are the work of Your hand." (Isaiah 64:8)
This verse, while sweet and prayerful at first glance, is actually in the middle of a huge intercessory cry in Isaiah 64. It begins with, "Oh, that You would rend the heavens! That You would come down" (verse 1), and then goes to "But we are all like an unclean thing, And all our righteousness are like filthy rags" (verse 6) Then it suddenly stops. "But now, O Lord, You are our Father" (verse 8).
I think many times we only like to look at the pretty verses of the Bible. You know, the Jesus loves me verses. And He does! Praise God for that!!! But I think there's another side to the Bible that so many like to forget about or glance over because it's too difficult to look at and take in. I'm not talking about using the right language or pretending to be this way. I'm talking about real repentance. I'm talking about the real fear of the Lord.
The fear of the Lord isn't some horror movie with an alien and people die and stuff. The fear of the Lord is clean, and usually pretty tender (although I do know that it's pretty intense as well). It brings us closer to the Lord and helps us to remember that our ways are not like His. It reminds us of who God really is. He is almighty, unsearchable, unknowable, omnipotent, all-powerful, sovereign, immense, infinite, indescribable, uncontainable, unchangeable, incomparable....you, know, just like that Chris Tomlin song. But is it just a Chris Tomlin song to us, or is it a reality? Is God's immensity a reality to us? Has His infinitude marked our lives?
I think that sometimes we get so involved with language and doing it because everyone else does it and it's just what we do that our hearts remain barren and our gardens remain unkempt (by garden, I mean the inner sanctuary of our hearts, where we commune with God). Relationship becomes religion and we're no longer getting revelation and wisdom in the knowledge of God.
When the children of Israel were in the wilderness, the Lord gave them manna to eat. He commanded them to just take for one day because He would provide for tomorrow. But they wouldn't listen. They tried to stock up and save the manna so that it would last. While a seemingly responsible thing to do, this is not what the Lord asked them to do. So, they ate what they wanted that day, and saved the rest for the next. But, when they woke up in the morning, the manna was horribly rotten. They did not listen to the Lord. He said He would provide new manna each day (except for Shabbat; then they had to get enough for two days).
The Lord has enough provisions for our hearts each day. So many times we see those who try to get a big high at a conference or during one of the feasts so it'll last a long time. While their revelation of the Lord may be genuine, the Lord wants to give us more! When they come home, two weeks go by, and the revelation has worn off. This is called "coming down the mountain". Conferences are a good thing, but the Lord uses those to throw logs on our already burning fire. Many times He uses it to kindle the fire or rekindle it. But we must keep the fire going! We must not let it go out. How can we do this? It takes God to love God!
"And there is no one who calls on Your name, Who stirs himself up to take hold of You; For You have hidden Your face from us, And have consumed us because of our iniquities. But now, O Lord, You are our Father; We are the clay, and You our potter; And all we are the work of Your hand." (Isaiah 64:7-8, NKJV, bold added)The key is this: We clearly can do nothing on our own and no manner of stirring ourselves up makes any difference in how well we know God. We must fear the Lord now, repent, and allow Him to do the work in us.
Well, how exactly does that work, Dolly, because I can't really see Him or anything? How do I know He's doing anything at all?
"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, he evidence of things not seen.....By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the Word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible." (Hebrews 11:1&3)Also...
"being confident in this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ" (Philippians 1:6)Therefore, we should..
"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" (Matthew 7:7-11, NKJV)Also....
"If you love me, keep My commandments. And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever -- the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him; but you know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you. I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you." (John 14:15)
Or...
"If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples." (John 15:7-8)
I want to be Yeshua's talmidah ("student", feminine singular). I want to be His disciple. I want to fear His Name and obey His commands because I love Him. "We love Him because He first loved us" (1 John 4:18-19).
I want to make very clear that God really is a God of love. He is love itself. If you think love is too froo-froo or hippie for the Bible, you need to check your heart and read it again. The Old Testament is about love too. It's not just the NT. God really is a God that loves His children. He truly is our Father and His Son really died on that tree for us, with us individually in mind. If that does not bring love to your heart, and make you want to love God more, then how can you call yourself a disciple of Yeshua?
God is love, and I desire wholeheartedly to be more like Him. But, I need the fear of the Lord to bring me closer in love. I need my Father in heaven to hear my cries of repentance and rend the heavens and come down! Don't leave me an orphan, Lord! I mean that metaphorically, of course. I actually have a dad and he's pretty awesome. :) I need the Helper, the Holy Spirit, to guide me with conviction that I might come boldly before the throne of grace in repentance. I need Yeshua, my Savior and Redeemer...my Friend...who died for me on that tree when I didn't deserve it. "You owe me nothing, I deserve hell, You owe me nothing, but You've given me mercy." The Creator and Sustainer of all things came down to this earth as a Man and chose to die that insignificant me might have life and be with Him in eternity.
How can I not give my life to this Man? My heart leaps with joy and is humbled equally at the thought of this God-Man.
"When I consider the heavens, the work of Your fingers, The moon and the stars, which You have ordained, What is man that You are mindful of him, And the Son of Man that You visit Him? For You have made Him a little lower than the angels, And You have crowned Him with glory and honor. You have made Him to have dominion over the works of Your hands; You have put all things under His feet" (Psalm 8:3-6).
God, I ask that You would come and father me. I ask that You would teach me, and mold me, that I might be more like Yeshua. Give my grace to ask, to seek, and to knock. I want the fear of the Lord to reign in my entire being, that I would know the reality of who You are, God. Don't let me slip away. Don't let me become barren and dull on the inside. I need fresh manna today! I need more of You. I am nothing and have nothing without You, Yeshua. Bring me to life each day as I seek Your face. I submit to You, Lord. You are the Potter. I am the clay. I return from my wicked ways, and I pour out my love and devotion before Your feet alone. I don't deserve anything, but You deliver me because You delight in me (Psalm 18:19).
Friday, September 23, 2011
His Story (a rap? lol)
Um, so I was just writing a poem on the spot, and I think it turned into a rap. lol....I'm not sure it's that good because I've never written a rap before.....so, forgive my lack of ghetto-ness, lol. I ain't no gangsta. ;)
Loving God is not a game
Playing with God is not the same
As giving Him your wounded heart
You say you know Him,
Guess that's a start...
But knowing Him is so much more
Than gaining knowledge
In twenty-four
Books of the Bible.
Can't you see?
Right relationship
Will set us free
From all our all our bondage,
All our chains.
Yet you still think
That He's a pain.
He gives us freedom,
Gives us life
But you can't get over
All the strife
The enemy puts inside you head.
Don't you want to have Him
instead?
Why this waiting?
Why this anger?
Why do you treat Him
Like a stranger?
He's your Friend
He's your Brother
He only requires
No Other Lovers.
But you still sit
In your grief
You complain,
And whine
This is such a crime
Against God Almighty
Who lets you breathe.
Without Him you're dead.
Can't you see?
What'll it cost?
What's it gonna take
For you to stop being stupid
And put your stake
In the ground
And be found
In Yeshua, our Lord
And take the sword
Of His Word
Before you're burned.
He's the Lord
The Lord of lords.
He's coming back
and He won't take you back
if you lack
the stack
of crack
down of your lack
now.
You better fight the fight
And be known for your flight
from he who devours all your might
just like a kite
with no wind beneath it's wings
You better submit
He's the king.
Let me hear you sing
"Holy
Holy
Holy
Lord God of Glory"
You gotta get in with His Story.
So don't be dumb
Get real
Get right
Why you always
puttin' up a fight?
To those who love you
an' wanna see you grow?
I think it's time you listen
To the wishin'
Of those around you
Who care about you
Cause, fo real, what we say it true.
That's why we say
Holy
Holy
Holy
Is the Lord God of Glory
Quick, before you can't get in His Story...
Monday, September 12, 2011
Random Thoughts
As I sit here, I think about the crazy things that have been happening over the past few weeks. Besides the bugs, the allergies, the lack of sleep, the stress, the emotional ups n downs, and the crazy schedule I have....I've been doing just great! *let the reader understand sarcasm*
When you think about what you're going to do with your life, how do you intend to get there? Do you intend to practice and train on the way? How will you plan?
I think sometimes I forget that the Lord actually wants me to practice and do some hands-on training on my way to the ministry assignment He has for me...aka my career. When I was at home, I didn't think the Lord would have me step out in the way He did! Dance Director (which honestly was a shock to me), Purim Play, Prophetic Dance at Shavuot, Greeting Cards, Prints... a girl in a white outfit standing on a windy beach with a purple piece of cloth, her photographer and her hair/makeup artist under a blanket. Doesn't seem strange to you? Well, it does to me!
I really thought the Lord would have me on the sidelines when I got home, and I fully intended to just teach the conference dance and be done for 5 years. Funny how God works, isn't it?
Then, He brings me back to IHOP for more training, but mostly for more deliverance. Now, I'm playing keys, singing, and dancing my little heart out for the Lord every day! Sounds exciting, and it is! But there's so much more to what's been happening here that I haven't been sharing. There's so much that He's been teaching me in the times where it's just me and Him.
Since I have started dancing again, I feel so much better. Even though I suck right now, and have a long way to go, I wouldn't give this time of small beginning up for anything. Dance brings me so much more joy than any other activity (obviously excluding encountering the Lord in the secret place and elsewhere). I drove home in my leotard, tights and knitted shorts tonight and thought about how much joy it brings me to have ugly, bruised up feet and hair so tightly pulled back that it gives me a headache while wearing 15 layers (the bottom ones, of course, being my dance clothes...being that dancers are usually half naked when they go to class...*sigh*....modest is hottest! ;D). Dance is therapy for me.
Just random thoughts tonight...nothing special. When some things happen, I will post it (probably). I am waiting for a few things to happen before I post, though.
Prayer Requests:
~ I have been having major sinus issues basically since I got here. I have taken Claritin D and am now immune to it, so I can't take it anymore. It's really bothersome to try to sleep, sing, read, eat, etc. when your sinuses are being ridiculous. Please don't comment with your idea of what I should do unless I know you REALLY REALLY REALLY well. I'm not asking for counsel, just prayer. If everyone commented, I'd be reading a million suggestions a day with everyone getting offended cause I didn't take their idea. A commitment to pray for me is much more appreciated and accepted than anything else.
~ Grace to study, sleep, and eat. :)
~ Healing for my body so I can dance. I have a number of injuries and issues in my body that hinder me from dancing well. I won't put the whole list, but please just pray that my body would actually be healed so I can dance properly. :)
When you think about what you're going to do with your life, how do you intend to get there? Do you intend to practice and train on the way? How will you plan?
I think sometimes I forget that the Lord actually wants me to practice and do some hands-on training on my way to the ministry assignment He has for me...aka my career. When I was at home, I didn't think the Lord would have me step out in the way He did! Dance Director (which honestly was a shock to me), Purim Play, Prophetic Dance at Shavuot, Greeting Cards, Prints... a girl in a white outfit standing on a windy beach with a purple piece of cloth, her photographer and her hair/makeup artist under a blanket. Doesn't seem strange to you? Well, it does to me!
I really thought the Lord would have me on the sidelines when I got home, and I fully intended to just teach the conference dance and be done for 5 years. Funny how God works, isn't it?
Then, He brings me back to IHOP for more training, but mostly for more deliverance. Now, I'm playing keys, singing, and dancing my little heart out for the Lord every day! Sounds exciting, and it is! But there's so much more to what's been happening here that I haven't been sharing. There's so much that He's been teaching me in the times where it's just me and Him.
Since I have started dancing again, I feel so much better. Even though I suck right now, and have a long way to go, I wouldn't give this time of small beginning up for anything. Dance brings me so much more joy than any other activity (obviously excluding encountering the Lord in the secret place and elsewhere). I drove home in my leotard, tights and knitted shorts tonight and thought about how much joy it brings me to have ugly, bruised up feet and hair so tightly pulled back that it gives me a headache while wearing 15 layers (the bottom ones, of course, being my dance clothes...being that dancers are usually half naked when they go to class...*sigh*....modest is hottest! ;D). Dance is therapy for me.
Just random thoughts tonight...nothing special. When some things happen, I will post it (probably). I am waiting for a few things to happen before I post, though.
Prayer Requests:
~ I have been having major sinus issues basically since I got here. I have taken Claritin D and am now immune to it, so I can't take it anymore. It's really bothersome to try to sleep, sing, read, eat, etc. when your sinuses are being ridiculous. Please don't comment with your idea of what I should do unless I know you REALLY REALLY REALLY well. I'm not asking for counsel, just prayer. If everyone commented, I'd be reading a million suggestions a day with everyone getting offended cause I didn't take their idea. A commitment to pray for me is much more appreciated and accepted than anything else.
~ Grace to study, sleep, and eat. :)
~ Healing for my body so I can dance. I have a number of injuries and issues in my body that hinder me from dancing well. I won't put the whole list, but please just pray that my body would actually be healed so I can dance properly. :)
The Curse & Our Blessed Hope
Recently, the Lord has just been marking my heart with a sense of identity. He's slowly weening me off of the things that I thought too highly of, and bringing me to a place where all I can see is Him and all I can say is, "I want nothing else". While I have actually been in this place for quite some time, the Lord has been dealing with me in a new way. As I'm allowing the Lord into the deepest places of my heart, which sometimes aren't so bright, He's bringing healing to my soul and showing me what -- or who -- I really want.
It is so important that we don't find our identity in a gift or a ministry. It is also crucial that we do not find our identity in other people. I think latching onto an idea of who we think we are or the gifts we think we have is a recipe for destruction, despair, and hopelessness. So many times we create this idea of who we are, or who we want to be, and we try so hard to be that. The truth is, we're not that, no matter how hard we pretend. We're all wretched. We're all dust. No gift or talent or mask that we wear will ever change that.
On Saturday, at service (at Or HaOlam), Rabbi Shmu'el was teaching from the Parashah. He discussed a curse that we all have over our lives because we have sinned against the Lord and, therefore (based on the Hebrew text), deserve to die on a tree. We all live under this curse until we give it all to Yeshua. He is the One who died on the tree for us. He took to judgement for our sins. He took the curse upon Himself, and therefore, liberated us. Rabbi was suggesting that, although those of us who are believers in Yeshua have given our lives to Him and are set free (or hopefully, when we say that we are believers, we really mean it), there are areas in each of our lives that we have not given to Him yet. Because of this, that part of us is still under a curse (although not a curse that damns us to hell).
I thought about my own life and the things I still struggle with and the areas that...well, I simply don't want to let the Lord into. I thought about the life patterns I have and the things I'm not yet free from. Some things are simply out of my control! But, what I can do, is give them to Him every day. I can release my control and desire for these displeasing and ungodly patterns and ask the Lord to set me free. I can ask Him to come and break the chains and, literally, intercede and contend for myself. I think many times we only think of intercession or contending for something in the sense of a nation or people group or family member. But, the Holy Spirit groans for us in intercession (Romans), and Yeshua Himself is always living to intercede for us (Hebrews). So, if God HIMSELF intercedes for me, why shouldn't I intercede and contend for my own breakthrough and deliverance? It's not just the sick people and the demon-possessed that need our prayers. It's not just Israel that needs our prayers. We need our own prayers for ourselves.
I want to feel about my sin the way God feels about my sin. I want to groan in intercession for myself that God Himself would shine His light on my sins and break the chains of death and destruction over my life!!! Friends, it's not about pointing out the sin in others and "praying" that they would find deliverance. It's about pointing ourselves out, admitting that we are wrong and sinful, and boldly going before the throne of grace (Hebrews) and saying to the Lord, "Me! Me! Me! I need help! God help ME! I can't do it!" Like a student when they know the answer to a problem and they get so excited and anxious about it...I want to raise my hand boldly because I know I have the answer to my problems. It's Jesus. I want my Teacher to pick me. Now, that's not a very good analogy....but just bear with me, I'm tired. lol. And the Lord is so faithful and merciful to forgive us, that, when we repent, it's done with.
I just keep thinking about the one sentence I shared: "I want to feel the way God feels about my sin." God, I want the fear of the Lord to come over my heart, that I might feel the way You feel about these things I hold onto that really belong at the foot of the cross.
At this one Youth Retreat, back before the YMJA did them, Matt, my youth pastor, was teaching all of us. I must have been eleven or twelve at this time. He got us all gathered around him, and he asked us, "What would you do if Yeshua was standing right where I'm standing?" Awkwardly, we all looked at each other. No one wanted to be the uber religious one. We all kinda just stared at him, trying to be cool. He asked it again, "What would you do if Yeshua was standing right where I'm standing?" I thought to myself (not aloud, of course, cause then I'd be a loser), "Well, I'd bow down on my face before Him."
I never did bow down on my face, or even suggest that, because I was too afraid of being the weird nerdy girl who loved God. I wanted to be cool so bad, that I didn't say anything. I always regretted that day; the day I didn't take a stand for God.
I want to be a person that bows down on my face before the Lord and worships Him alone, even if people think I'm weird. I want to be one that lives before His face, and has eyes set on His for my whole life and whatever comes after. The reality is that I don't even know those people anymore (except Angel Hernandez, lol, and Isaac Beltran) and being cool at that time was so pointless, because where are they in my life now? To be quite frank, God is way more cool than any person on this earth (no, for real, He is). I don't want to let the opinions of people who won't even be in my life within the next five years effect me so deeply, that I lose my chance to bow before the Lord.
Jesus, would You come and make my life a fragrant offering? Would You come and burn away everything that hinders loving devotion to You alone? No other gods, no other loves. Give me strength to let You into my deepest, darkest places. Give me grace to give it all back to You. Send breakthrough to a willing heart. Send life to these dry bones. Yeshua, take it all. Leave nothing behind. In the Name above every name, Yeshua HaMashiach, Amen.
It is so important that we don't find our identity in a gift or a ministry. It is also crucial that we do not find our identity in other people. I think latching onto an idea of who we think we are or the gifts we think we have is a recipe for destruction, despair, and hopelessness. So many times we create this idea of who we are, or who we want to be, and we try so hard to be that. The truth is, we're not that, no matter how hard we pretend. We're all wretched. We're all dust. No gift or talent or mask that we wear will ever change that.
I thought about my own life and the things I still struggle with and the areas that...well, I simply don't want to let the Lord into. I thought about the life patterns I have and the things I'm not yet free from. Some things are simply out of my control! But, what I can do, is give them to Him every day. I can release my control and desire for these displeasing and ungodly patterns and ask the Lord to set me free. I can ask Him to come and break the chains and, literally, intercede and contend for myself. I think many times we only think of intercession or contending for something in the sense of a nation or people group or family member. But, the Holy Spirit groans for us in intercession (Romans), and Yeshua Himself is always living to intercede for us (Hebrews). So, if God HIMSELF intercedes for me, why shouldn't I intercede and contend for my own breakthrough and deliverance? It's not just the sick people and the demon-possessed that need our prayers. It's not just Israel that needs our prayers. We need our own prayers for ourselves.
I want to feel about my sin the way God feels about my sin. I want to groan in intercession for myself that God Himself would shine His light on my sins and break the chains of death and destruction over my life!!! Friends, it's not about pointing out the sin in others and "praying" that they would find deliverance. It's about pointing ourselves out, admitting that we are wrong and sinful, and boldly going before the throne of grace (Hebrews) and saying to the Lord, "Me! Me! Me! I need help! God help ME! I can't do it!" Like a student when they know the answer to a problem and they get so excited and anxious about it...I want to raise my hand boldly because I know I have the answer to my problems. It's Jesus. I want my Teacher to pick me. Now, that's not a very good analogy....but just bear with me, I'm tired. lol. And the Lord is so faithful and merciful to forgive us, that, when we repent, it's done with.
I just keep thinking about the one sentence I shared: "I want to feel the way God feels about my sin." God, I want the fear of the Lord to come over my heart, that I might feel the way You feel about these things I hold onto that really belong at the foot of the cross.
At this one Youth Retreat, back before the YMJA did them, Matt, my youth pastor, was teaching all of us. I must have been eleven or twelve at this time. He got us all gathered around him, and he asked us, "What would you do if Yeshua was standing right where I'm standing?" Awkwardly, we all looked at each other. No one wanted to be the uber religious one. We all kinda just stared at him, trying to be cool. He asked it again, "What would you do if Yeshua was standing right where I'm standing?" I thought to myself (not aloud, of course, cause then I'd be a loser), "Well, I'd bow down on my face before Him."
I never did bow down on my face, or even suggest that, because I was too afraid of being the weird nerdy girl who loved God. I wanted to be cool so bad, that I didn't say anything. I always regretted that day; the day I didn't take a stand for God.
I want to be a person that bows down on my face before the Lord and worships Him alone, even if people think I'm weird. I want to be one that lives before His face, and has eyes set on His for my whole life and whatever comes after. The reality is that I don't even know those people anymore (except Angel Hernandez, lol, and Isaac Beltran) and being cool at that time was so pointless, because where are they in my life now? To be quite frank, God is way more cool than any person on this earth (no, for real, He is). I don't want to let the opinions of people who won't even be in my life within the next five years effect me so deeply, that I lose my chance to bow before the Lord.
Oh, to be wholehearted before the Lord. To be at His feet forever. To be humble enough to admit I'm struggling. To be before a God that desires we be together.
Jesus, would You come and make my life a fragrant offering? Would You come and burn away everything that hinders loving devotion to You alone? No other gods, no other loves. Give me strength to let You into my deepest, darkest places. Give me grace to give it all back to You. Send breakthrough to a willing heart. Send life to these dry bones. Yeshua, take it all. Leave nothing behind. In the Name above every name, Yeshua HaMashiach, Amen.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
His Story
I think Thursdays are probably my favorite day of the week. It's my shortest day, but that's actually not why. It's my favorite because I get to spend 4 awesome hours in our beautiful Prayer Room (two of those hours are an intercession set for Israel....which, by the way, is the most Israeli-sounding set I have ever heard at IHOP...crazy). I also take a Sound class, which is pretty cool, cause I like learning the technical aspect of things (and I'll be able to own Mr. Cole when I come home! jkjk, never), and a class called "Life of David".
I honestly LOVE my Life of David Class. We're not only learning about David's actual life, we're learning about the whole Bible. It's amazing how the Lord put His word together. The Bible (the whole thing) is this grand dramatic story that unfolds the desire of God to dwell with man. Honestly...go read it. Genesis to Revelation. God's whole redemptive plan and everything involving Jesus and Israel and Gentiles and....just everything...it's all for one purpose: The Lord desires to dwell with us. He has been trying to bring this to pass since the fall of man in Genesis! I would try to explain it all, but it will just come out like mush right now.
As we were discussing the garden of Eden and the temple and the New Jerusalem and the Lord's faithfulness in bringing forth the people of Israel, I began to weep. The main calling and purpose of the nation of Israel is to proclaim GOD to the nations. We're to be a light to the Lord, and to provide that dwelling place (the temple, etc). So, how are we doing?
In the midst of all of this, I got this picture of myself in the temple, singing and ministering to the Lord. His Presence was there and I was serving Him as my life's "duty". It just brings Psalm 27:4 to mind. "One thing have I desired, That will I seek; To dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, To gaze on the beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in His temple." I couldn't have said it better myself. This is my life's service; to minister to God, to be before Him, and never leave His temple.
While my heart was being moved by this personal revelation from the Lord, I saw an even greater plan. The fact that God would love a people so much that He would call them His own and involve them in His Story is absolutely astounding to me. Who are we that we deserve such an honor, to serve the Lord and the nations in this way? He wants so badly to dwell with us. I just had this heart revelation that...He chose us. A backsliding, complaining people (which He says about us Himself). He chose Jerusalem out of ALL the cities. He chose Israel, both land and human. He chose us. He chose me. I felt the weight of responsibility. He wants so badly to dwell with us, yet we esteemed Him not.
We failed. We failed the Lord! How could we fail the Lord when He was RIGHT THERE??? How could we want something else when He's SO beautiful? We turned the other way. We put our hope in money, education, ourselves, and loathed the fact that we were chosen. What a shame.
Here's the glorious part...we're still chosen by Him. He still wants to dwell in Jerusalem with us. He will rescue His beloved Israel, and she will know her God. The Lord is faithful to Jacob.
When I got home (after being in complete shock and awe the whole way home), I broke down and let it all out. I felt the burden of the Lord for my people, and I felt the desire of the Lord at the same time. I seriously feel like Jeremiah on a regular basis. How did we miss Him when He was right there? I feel like the faithfulness of Abraham is a real factor here, to be honest. The Lord really likes Abraham, haha.
During this time of t'shuvah, I encourage you to not just ask God the people you've wronged to make amends with them, but to ask God how you've missed Him. He is still right there. He still desires to dwell with man. Will you fall and not rise (Jer. 8:4)? Will you turn away and not turn back to the Lord (Jer. 8:4)?
I honestly LOVE my Life of David Class. We're not only learning about David's actual life, we're learning about the whole Bible. It's amazing how the Lord put His word together. The Bible (the whole thing) is this grand dramatic story that unfolds the desire of God to dwell with man. Honestly...go read it. Genesis to Revelation. God's whole redemptive plan and everything involving Jesus and Israel and Gentiles and....just everything...it's all for one purpose: The Lord desires to dwell with us. He has been trying to bring this to pass since the fall of man in Genesis! I would try to explain it all, but it will just come out like mush right now. As we were discussing the garden of Eden and the temple and the New Jerusalem and the Lord's faithfulness in bringing forth the people of Israel, I began to weep. The main calling and purpose of the nation of Israel is to proclaim GOD to the nations. We're to be a light to the Lord, and to provide that dwelling place (the temple, etc). So, how are we doing?
In the midst of all of this, I got this picture of myself in the temple, singing and ministering to the Lord. His Presence was there and I was serving Him as my life's "duty". It just brings Psalm 27:4 to mind. "One thing have I desired, That will I seek; To dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, To gaze on the beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in His temple." I couldn't have said it better myself. This is my life's service; to minister to God, to be before Him, and never leave His temple.
We failed. We failed the Lord! How could we fail the Lord when He was RIGHT THERE??? How could we want something else when He's SO beautiful? We turned the other way. We put our hope in money, education, ourselves, and loathed the fact that we were chosen. What a shame.
Here's the glorious part...we're still chosen by Him. He still wants to dwell in Jerusalem with us. He will rescue His beloved Israel, and she will know her God. The Lord is faithful to Jacob.
When I got home (after being in complete shock and awe the whole way home), I broke down and let it all out. I felt the burden of the Lord for my people, and I felt the desire of the Lord at the same time. I seriously feel like Jeremiah on a regular basis. How did we miss Him when He was right there? I feel like the faithfulness of Abraham is a real factor here, to be honest. The Lord really likes Abraham, haha.
During this time of t'shuvah, I encourage you to not just ask God the people you've wronged to make amends with them, but to ask God how you've missed Him. He is still right there. He still desires to dwell with man. Will you fall and not rise (Jer. 8:4)? Will you turn away and not turn back to the Lord (Jer. 8:4)?
"Oh, Yeshua, help me see
That my life is Yours indeed
Will You bring me to a weeping
That turns me back to You
I want the fear of the Lord!
(To bring me back)
I want the fear of the Lord!
(To seek You alone)
I want the fear of the Lord!
(To abide in You)
I want the fear of the Lord
Purify me, God!"
~~excerpt from "Song of Return" by me! ;)
Saturday, September 3, 2011
So...
Every time I blog something, I feel like I'm supposed to erase it and not post it. So I'm posting why I haven't been posting instead, lol. The Lord is doing something crazy in me right now that is way too hard to explain yet. More on this when I figure out what it is. lol.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Schedule, IHOPU, and Life!
Hey Everyone!
So, the past month or so has been so hectic and busy! I guess that's good, because I didn't come here to lay around and do nothing all day.
In the past month (since I posted my last blog), I have done the following:
-- found a place to live (about 4 minutes from the Prayer Room and 7-10 minutes from IHOPU)
-- moved into said place
-- started school
-- work A LOT
It seems like that is not very much, but the process of starting school and moving into my new place has been more than enough to keep me busy.
So, for those of you who are interested in IHOPU or what I'm actually studying, here's a list of the classes I am taking and a description (brief because I have to run to Worship Team soon):
Forerunner Music Academy -- 1st year, 2nd semester student
Primary Intstrument: Voice
Classes:
-- Prophetic Singing 2 (2x/week):
Voice class that combines technical training for voice with meditation and memorization of the Word, as well as prophetic singing (singing in the Spirit, and spontaneous, and outside writting). Required practice time outside of class: 5 hours per week (not including homework)
-- KeysETT 1 (Ear Training, Music Theory, Technical Training, 3x/week):
basic keyboard/piano class, but includes worship time, etc. Required practice time: 3 hours per week (not including book homework, etc)
-- Harp & Bowl Lab (Worship Team):
This counts as my Prayer Room hours. I am currently on a Worship Team, and we lead Intercession or Worship With the Word (WWW) sets just like the ones you see in the Prayer Room. Included is training on the Harp & Bowl Model (a style of worship), outlines for Apostolic Prayers and Psalm 8, recording choruses (on paper) sung by worship team, BPM for said choruses, Chord Progressons, Cross References for specific scriptures, etc. I am currently singing on the worship team.
--Beholding His Majesty (with Pablo Perez, the Director of FMA)
Teaching on the attributes of God and knowing who God is, contemplative prayer, reading Attributes of God by AW Tozer. Papers and reports included.
-- Life of David (Matt Candler)
Teaching on the Life of David, and becoming a person after God's own heart. Required Text: After God's Own Heart by Mike Bickle, the Bible.
-- FMA Practicum
FMA gets together once a week to worship and learn together. Last week, one of our instructors taught on the word Ahava and the meaning. We actually learned a lot of Hebrew (I already knew it), and it was very spot-on.
-- IHOPU Chapel/D-Group
Twice a month IHOPU meets altogether as a school and worships and learns together. Twice a month we meet in separate small groups, or Discipleship Groups (D-Group) to have accountability and peers that we can run with in a more intimate setting.
-- EGS: Encounter God Service -- Jesus, Our Magnificent Obsession (with Mike Bickle)
This is a required class for first and second year students, taught by Mike Bickle.
-- FCF: Forerunner Christian Fellowship
This is basically church for IHOPU students.
--Prayer Room hours:
While my Harp & Bowl Lab and services count as prayer room hours, I am required to choose 2 4-hour blocks of time outside of this to be in the Prayer Room.
I will also be taking Ballet, Jazz, and Hip Hop at Dramatic Truth Dance Academy near IHOP starting next week.
**This schedule doesn't include my work hours and my time at Or HaOlam Messianic Congregation.
So, as you can see I am very busy. But the Lord is providing all the financial support I need, so I am super super blessed. It's crazy how it all happened. Please continue to pray for me mostly that I would be intentional about making time to study, sleep, and eat. Thanks! I miss home a lot, but I am so happy at school. This is exactly the kind of school I need and want and have been looking for. I feel like I can actually learn something here and I will actually use it in the future.
Ok, more on all of this later. Bless you all! Love you!
<3
So, the past month or so has been so hectic and busy! I guess that's good, because I didn't come here to lay around and do nothing all day.
In the past month (since I posted my last blog), I have done the following:
-- found a place to live (about 4 minutes from the Prayer Room and 7-10 minutes from IHOPU)
-- moved into said place
-- started school
-- work A LOT
It seems like that is not very much, but the process of starting school and moving into my new place has been more than enough to keep me busy.
So, for those of you who are interested in IHOPU or what I'm actually studying, here's a list of the classes I am taking and a description (brief because I have to run to Worship Team soon):
Forerunner Music Academy -- 1st year, 2nd semester student
Primary Intstrument: Voice
Classes:
-- Prophetic Singing 2 (2x/week):
Voice class that combines technical training for voice with meditation and memorization of the Word, as well as prophetic singing (singing in the Spirit, and spontaneous, and outside writting). Required practice time outside of class: 5 hours per week (not including homework)
-- KeysETT 1 (Ear Training, Music Theory, Technical Training, 3x/week):
basic keyboard/piano class, but includes worship time, etc. Required practice time: 3 hours per week (not including book homework, etc)
-- Harp & Bowl Lab (Worship Team):
This counts as my Prayer Room hours. I am currently on a Worship Team, and we lead Intercession or Worship With the Word (WWW) sets just like the ones you see in the Prayer Room. Included is training on the Harp & Bowl Model (a style of worship), outlines for Apostolic Prayers and Psalm 8, recording choruses (on paper) sung by worship team, BPM for said choruses, Chord Progressons, Cross References for specific scriptures, etc. I am currently singing on the worship team.
--Beholding His Majesty (with Pablo Perez, the Director of FMA)
Teaching on the attributes of God and knowing who God is, contemplative prayer, reading Attributes of God by AW Tozer. Papers and reports included.
-- Life of David (Matt Candler)
Teaching on the Life of David, and becoming a person after God's own heart. Required Text: After God's Own Heart by Mike Bickle, the Bible.
-- FMA Practicum
FMA gets together once a week to worship and learn together. Last week, one of our instructors taught on the word Ahava and the meaning. We actually learned a lot of Hebrew (I already knew it), and it was very spot-on.
-- IHOPU Chapel/D-Group
Twice a month IHOPU meets altogether as a school and worships and learns together. Twice a month we meet in separate small groups, or Discipleship Groups (D-Group) to have accountability and peers that we can run with in a more intimate setting.
-- EGS: Encounter God Service -- Jesus, Our Magnificent Obsession (with Mike Bickle)
This is a required class for first and second year students, taught by Mike Bickle.
-- FCF: Forerunner Christian Fellowship
This is basically church for IHOPU students.
--Prayer Room hours:
While my Harp & Bowl Lab and services count as prayer room hours, I am required to choose 2 4-hour blocks of time outside of this to be in the Prayer Room.
I will also be taking Ballet, Jazz, and Hip Hop at Dramatic Truth Dance Academy near IHOP starting next week.
**This schedule doesn't include my work hours and my time at Or HaOlam Messianic Congregation.
So, as you can see I am very busy. But the Lord is providing all the financial support I need, so I am super super blessed. It's crazy how it all happened. Please continue to pray for me mostly that I would be intentional about making time to study, sleep, and eat. Thanks! I miss home a lot, but I am so happy at school. This is exactly the kind of school I need and want and have been looking for. I feel like I can actually learn something here and I will actually use it in the future.
Ok, more on all of this later. Bless you all! Love you!
<3
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