Season to Season: Being Faithful Through Every Season

Coming to the end of a season is always a difficult thing.  For the past year-and-a-half or so, the Lord has been keeping me on a strict 6-month season limit.  By that, I mean that the past few "seasons" I've been in have only been 6-months.  In July 2010, I started the One Thing Internship, which changed my life forever.  I came home for approximately 6 months to serve as Dance Director, work, and pour into the youth at Adat (and start Prayer with Deborah!).  Now, here I am at IHOPU, closing out my third 6-month season.  The next season I'm going into will hopefully be no more than 6-months as well.

What's difficult about coming to the end of a "season" in your life is the push and pull between wanting it to just be over already, and praying that it never ends (some of that being out of sentiment and some out of fear of the future).  Now, everyone is different.  But, with me, the Lord only gives me a little hint or idea of what's going to happen in the next season.  In coming home from the Internship, it was "go home, work, and do the Purim Play".  It ended up being "go home, work your butt off, be Dance Director, pour into the Youth, pour into the Prayer Ministry, do the play, do the Shavuot thing, and try not to become bitter and offended at all the drama and people who don't like you because of IHOP"....oh, and "do it all on your own without people your age to run with".  The next season of my life is supposed to be geared toward wholeness and healing in Yeshua.  But, as usual, I have no idea what that really looks like.

I think it's important to recognize what kind of season we are in in our lives. King David had his different seasons before and during his reign in Israel.  Yeshua had his seasons.  He was in the secret place for most of His life, and even went through a period of being tested by the devil.  Everyone goes through different seasons, some of testing and some of joy.  But how can we remain true to God's purposes during each season?  How can we maintain our 'yes' to complete each season when you KNOW you're about to transition?

1.  Know the season you're in. When I came back to IHOP to attend IHOPU, specifically the Music Academy, I knew the Lord was taking me into a time of growing, a time of being hidden (meaning I did not try to build my ministry), and a time of testing.  That is COMPLETELY different than what my season was in coming to IHOP for the Internship.  The Internship was, at the beginning, a time of real dedication to the Lord, a time of joy and finding out what God's love is like, and a time of rest.  The last half was very different, but we won't go there now.  The concept was still the same.  So, if I am currently in a season of being hidden, things will cultivated primarily in the secret place.  I will not try to build a new dance team in Kansas City and I won't get heavily involved at the Messianic Congregation here either.  The goal is to learn that my identity in Christ is not based on my gifts or my ministry.  It's based on how I love God in the secret place.  It's also based on how I respond to Him in times of testing.  This semester has been extremely difficult on me emotionally and even physically.  But I am proud to say that I stuck it out.  The Lord is proud of me for continuing to attend classes and for engaging the Lord during my classes and in the Prayer Room.  

 2.  Understand God's Overall Plan and Purpose for Your Current Season.  Many times, we know that God is taking us somewhere, but we don't understand why.  Why am I here at IHOP?  Why did I go home after the Internship?  Honestly, sometimes we cannot truly understand the full extent of God's purposes for a current season until we're out of it.  I kept asking myself, "Why in the world did I go home?  Lord, why do You have me here?"  I understood the general concept of sharing what the Lord has done and being a light to those around me.  But, I had no idea about all the lessons the Lord was going to teach me through my friendships, ministry, and self.  Not knowing the full extent is perfectly OK.  However, I believe that, if we are to follow after the Lord into a specific season, we should ask Him for His vision for us for that specific season.  "Lord, what it Your plan and vision for me do this?"  Having a vision for each season in your life will help you continue to say yes to the Lord.

How can we know God's plan and purpose for us?  We must have a deep and real relationship with the Lord.  We must know His Word, which is the Great Love Story that the Lord has inspired men to write for us.  His plan for us must be founded and grounded in His Word.  If we know His Word, and commune with the Lord, we will have an easier time understanding His plan and purpose for the season we are in.  We will also be able to maintain a yes in our spirits. Which brings me to my next point!

3.  Keep A Yes In Your Spirit.  If we know what season we're in, and we understand God's purposes for said season, we will be able to say yes to the Lord more easily.  If you don't know what God's vision is for the season you're in, how will you know what to say yes to?  Saying yes to the Lord is not some ambiguous religious language that we use to show everyone we're devoted to Him.  Better yet, it is the secret depths of our soul crying out to the depths of the Lord's heart what He has imprinted in us (Deep calls unto deep, Psalm 42:7).  We are crying out in agreement, speaking back to Him what He has told us to say.  Sometimes, saying yes is an action word.  We must cut off a relationship or stop watching certain things to be in the will of God.  That's saying yes.    This actually brings me to my next point.

4. Live Out God's Plan For You In Relation To The Season You're In.  Based on Biblical Hebrew thinking, we know that our God is a God of action.  He's a God of doing and acting out, not only of heart intentions.  The Sh'ma (Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One) is actually an action word.  Hearing God's Word is automatically thought to include an action following. As I said in Part 2, regarding understanding God's plan and purpose for the season we're in, we must have an actual relationship with God.  This is part of acting our God's plan for us.  We must dialogue with the Lord.  We must know Him.  Many believers today see prayer and devotion to the Lord as an option, while ministry and serving is considered to be the priority.  This is, unfortunately, a disgusting epidemic that has plagued the body for a very long time.  There is no ministry position that gets us closer to the Lord.  There is no book or any knowledge that can stand on its own without having a personal relationship with Yeshua.  Ministry position and knowledge of the Talmud does not denote holiness or godliness.  Sometimes living out God's plan and purpose for the season you're in includes ministry and studying (I actually highly recommend doing both!).  But having God as your priority will save you from finding your identity in your ministry or intellect.

As I stated in the previous section, sometimes living out God's plan is giving certain things up.  The Lord is always taking us through a process of cleansing and refining.  We are always being refined.  If you're not being refined right now, you're probably doing something wrong.  I encourage you to make the Lord your priority, regardless of the cost.  There is no one else who is worthy of your time.  There is no one else who is worthy of your love.  Create healthy boundaries to protect your personal time with the Lord.  Ministries come and go, but the Lord is eternal.  Make it your aim to look into the eyes of Infinity.  This will give you strength in times of testing and help you to endure the entire season you're in.

5.  Run the Race with Endurance.  Finishing each season is always a difficult thing to do.  As I said at the beginning of this blog, there's always going to be that push and pull between despising what you're doing (the countdown begins), and being sentimental and fearful.  But, if we continue to say yes to the Lord and live out what He's asked us to, He will give us grace to run the race in each season of our lives and continue to be faithful to our calling.  Being faithful in the little things -- like showing up for every class, or continuing to put in the same effort as when you first started -- is such a crucial element to finishing each season well.  Picture the Lord evaluating each season.  What would He say about this one you're in?  Would He say that you've been faithful in the small things?  Would He say well done?  Doing things even when we don't feel like it is always painfully difficult...at least for me.  But be encouraged, because there's a reason for what God has for you!  He will remember your faithfulness through the end of each season, and eventually to the end of your life. :)

One thing I want to make note of.  It is OK to pray for yourself.  It is OK to ask God to keep you humble and hungry.  I have prayed this prayer and I have seen breakthrough gradually in my own life.  :)  



I hope this little 5-Step Program (lol!) helps you to go after the Lord with all your heart. I hope it helps you to understand Him and yourself better. :)

"May the Lord bless you and keep you
May the Lord make His face shine upon you, and be gracious to you
May the Lord lift up His countenance upon you
And give you Shalom (peace)"
~(Numbers 6:24-26, parenthesis added)




 

Prelude to the Previous Blog - Working Title

"Shut up, you prideful weed! Don't you know who you are?"

He was at it again; tearing her down, ripping her heart out.  Leah crawled along the edge of the mountain, praying with fervency that she would not fall off.  The sharp fangs of the precipice scraped against her pale bare legs.  With each step she felt her heart grow more and more weary.  It was bad enough that she had not eaten in days, but the emotional strain of him was almost unbearable.

Another attempt to crawl.  The trim of her tattered dress had gotten snagged on the ridge.  It pulled her back slightly. She let out a sigh of exasperation.  Could this get any worse?  Maybe it could.

Thanatos, a tall thin man who had the strength of an ox, squeezed Leah from shoulder to shoulder.

"You ungrateful twit.  Don't you know all that I've done for you?  I've given you people and pleasure and luxury unending!  Yet you leave me for this Man??"

His eyes were like black crystal balls; she could see herself so clearly.  It was like looking into a black hole.  Thanatos terrified Leah greatly.  He had come to her as a small child and threatened her very existence.  It seemed to her that he knew every way to keep her in the grip of his clammy, greasy hands.  He had made his mark on her by taking away one that she cared for so deeply.  She felt enslaved by this nefarious creature.  But of course, now that she had this dream about a Man and a light, and she knew the path He wanted her on, Thanatos was angrier than ever.

"Who do you think you are, Leah,"  Thanatos raged against her, throwing her on the dirt.  "You think this road will be easy?  You think it will be fun? You know what happened last time you tried to get away from me.  I don't take your rebellion lightly."
"I just want to keep going," panted Leah, dehydrated and exhausted from the journey.
"Well, who said I would let you?  You cannot just leave me whenever you want.  You're mine, remember?  You belong to me, not this crazy Man.  He's a figment of your imagination."

Leah wanted to keep going.  She wanted to follow the path.  But she was so tired, and Thanatos would not leave her alone.  Thoughts of giving up and turning back came to her mind.  Maybe she should just let him have his way with her.  All he wants is companionship, right?  When she did what he said, everything went fine. But the memories of how she felt during her years with him echoed throughout her heart.  She could not go back to being with him.  She could not continue this life of slavery with a man that only abused her.  This dream, however silly and childish, was the only thing she had to hold on to.  And she had to hold on.

"Leave me alone, Thanatos,"  she whispered, bracing herself for what was to come next.
"Excuse me,"  Thanatos responded, not quite sure of what she was trying to pull.
"Leave...me...alone,"  she repeated.  A strength was rising up within her, one she had not known until now.
"Hmph! You cannot tell me to leave you alone.  I am the master.  You are the slave. Now shut up before I give you something to complain about!"

Leah started to get up.  Something was making her stronger.  Something was giving her zeal to stop Thanatos.  Rising up, she said, "Leave me alone, Thanatos!  I won't be controlled or manipulated by you anymore!  I've had enough!"  She stood strong, only in time for Thanatos to kick her back to the ground.

"NO,"  he shouted in defense.  "You're mine!"
"I will never be yours again, you spineless pig!  Get away from me,"  she screamed, lying on her back, still trying to get up.

Thanatos was filled with fury.  He started to go after Leah with means to kill her.  Leah scuffled back and started to scramble to get away from him.  But he was too quick.  He grabbed her ankles and pulled her straight under him.  She squealed for help, but her voice echoed on the cliff of the mountain.  Leah swung her right hand and struck Thanatos' face, but immediately gasped.  She couldn't believe she just hit him.  His eyes were suddenly filled with flames.  She thought she could even hear the screams of others in his eyes; the souls of those he'd taken captive forever.  Leah froze, terrified of what he was going to do next.  She knew she could not get him to relent in punishment this time.  Her eyes grew larger, as a doe before her last breath.

Thanatos grabbed her wrists, which were carefully tucked in front of her chest.  He pulled Leah to a standing position, and brushed the dirt off her cold body.  Leah stood there amazed, but still afraid.  What was he going to do?  Was this over?  Or was she in for something far worse?

"You were always my favorite,"  Thanatos said calmly.  Leah could not speak.  Her mouth was frozen from shock.  "But, I guess I'll have to replace you with another, more beautiful, young woman.  You know, there's one of your sisters that I admire quite a bit.  She's not quite as old and used up as you are.  Maybe I'll have her instead.  Go play with your Man and follow your silly dream.  I'll get my satisfaction elsewhere."
"Wait! No! You can't take her!  She's too young!"  Leah's heart began pounding.  She loved her sisters.  She knew the younger ones could not handle the pain and torment she had already endured.  But going back to Thanatos was not an option.  She had to stop him.  But how?
"Oh, I will take her," Thanatos assured Leah.  "I'll have her, and everyone else you care about on this earth.  You will be alone.  No one will be there for you if you follow this silly Man."

The strength came back to Leah like a lightning bolt striking the earth.  She was consumed with zeal for the ones she loved.  She wasn't going to let him take them.  So, with all the physical strength Leah had left, she attacked Thanatos.  They struggled for quite sometime.  Minutes seemed like hours in this endless battle between the weak and the seemingly strong.  But after awhile, Leah knew she could not do this in her own strength.  She struggled and tried, and gave all her effort against the creature who was after her soul, but time was running out.

Leah hit her last wind when Thanatos slammed her entire body against the wall of the mountain.  He had her pinned.  Now he was just laughing at her, and taunting her.  He knew she didn't have the strength in her.

"What are you going to do," Thanatos snickered, "call on your Man to help you?  Don't be ridiculous.  He'll never come for you.  Like I said, I'm the only one who could find use in an old, used up, piece of trash like you."

Suddenly, it dawned on Leah.  She should call on the Man from her dream to save her!  Maybe He would help.  He was so kind and warm in the dream.  Why wouldn't He come and help her?  So with her last breath of confidence, she let out a cry for help that reached the limits of the sky.

"Help me!  I need You!  I need Your strength!  I can't do it without You!  Please don't forsake me!"

Thanatos was hit with a wave of shock at Leah's cry.  But he continued to hold her tight against the wall of the mountain.  When she stopped crying out, there was a silence so loud it deafened the heart.  Thanatos thought he had won.  He laughed mischievously.  Leah's heart was wrought with anguish.  She thought He wasn't coming.

Suddenly, a thunderous trumpet billowed through the whole country.  The mountain shook, and the rocks began to tumble.  Then, the clouds split, and the sun shined through to Leah.  An army of many angels came rushing through the partition in the clouds and down toward Thanatos.  The sound coming from above the clouds was so glorious.  Leah had never heard a more beautiful and breath-taking sound in her whole of existence.

Thanatos knew this sound.  He snapped his fingers and called forth the most defiled and disfigured creatures to battle.  They came from the depths and from inside the mountain.  Had they been following her this whole time?

"You may have won this little battle, but rest assured that I'm not finished with you yet.  I'm coming back for you," Thanatos said.  Then, he disappeared.

Leah, free from the bonds of her former lover, fell to the ground in weakness.  She had no strength left, but one thing she could do: keep her eyes fixed on this battle, thanking the Man who saved her life from Thanatos.  She lay on the cliff of the mountain, worn, exhausted, but so grateful.  She felt a sudden peace in her body come over her, and she knew it would be safe to close her eyes and rest, even if it was just for a little bit.  As her eyes glazed over and slowly closed, she saw a Man coming toward her.  He knelt down and gently picked her up.  She was safe in the arms of her new Love.      
    
       

   

Don't Give Up (Working Title, Short Story)

She sees the road in front of her.  One straight dirt path.  It seems scary, she thinks, clothed in a little torn dress. Her bones protrude through the thin linen covering, and she has no coat to wear nor shoes for her feet. Her medium-length brown hair falls down along the frame of her face, and is a stringy as her dress.  This dress has seen many years, and has been worn and tattered...but it was all she had. Her green and gold eyes change from bright green to a blue-gray, depending on her mood.  Today, she feels the gray in her soul.

She stared down the road. This road that she must go down isn't laden with gold or silver.  It doesn't have flowers or birds.  It's dark. A sort of gray, clouded atmosphere engulfs the little dirt path.  Gloomy mountains are at the end of her vision, accompanied with lightning and thunder.

She has this choice in front of her.  Should she go down the path?

She was told once by a Man she met, that there's light at the end of the path.  He had experienced it.  He knew of this light.  This Man, who came to her in a dream one fateful night, shined so brightly.  He had a warmth and comfort about Him that she had not seen or felt before. In the dream, He told her who she was, who she had been, and where He was taking her.  He is taking me somewhere, she questioned.  She was perplexed at the fact that someone else was taking her somewhere and she did not know where.  Who takes me anywhere, but ME?  I am the only one who decides where I go...right?  


A jolt of icy wind shakes her from her flashback.  She turned to look back at the path she had come by.  It got smaller, she thought, perplexed.  She remembered the pain of the past, and the anguish she had not only seen, but experienced first hand.  A voice that she knew all too well appeared in her thoughts.

"Go back,"  it said.
"But I've come so far.  How could I return to the past?"

The voice seemed pleasant, but there was a note and tone that made her shudder inside.  The pitch of the voice made her want to listen to it.

"Look in front of you.  Does that look appetizing?  Why should you continue down a road in search of a light that you don't really know is even there?  Who is this Man anyway?  He is lying to you.  He doesn't know who you are.  I know who you are. Trust me."
"But I know the Man is real.  I know He is.  He told me things about myself that I didn't even know.  He wants me on this road, moving forward.  Why should I go back?"
"You silly little girl.  You know nothing.  You are nothing.  You have nothing without me.  Remember how much fun you had, back when you were mine?  Remember those days?  You can have that again, and so much more.  Trust me, I'm the only one who knows who you really are.  And let me tell you...you are worthless unless you do what I say.  You think listening to a Man in some dream is going to make you any better?  You got another thing coming, you ignorant little slut.  If He knew who you really were, He'd reject you faster than your friends.  You're lucky I haven't done away with you yet, you ugly piece of trash."

The voice had become louder and more forceful.  Maybe it was right.  She had done too many things in her life to think that finding the light was attainable.  She was worthless.  She was trash.  Her heart sank and her head dropped as the voice continued it's rampage of hate towards her.  He reminded her of all the things she had done when she belonged to him.  He reminded her that it was her fault, and that only he could handle the greatness of her fall.  He reminded her that he gave her ways out of her pain.  He was sure that this Man would not care for her, and would not see her through to this so-called light.  By the end of his lecture, she had crumbled to the ground, like a skeleton that had lost it's muscle and skin.

"You should just give up now, you know,"  the voice suggested, in a snide tone.  "Yeah, you know, just give up.  'Cause obviously you don't have the strength to continue either way.  I don't even know why I bother with you.  You're too weak.  Just give up.  Do it.  See if your Man will come and save you."

Silence abounded between them.  But in her head, she questioned everything.  Her mind was racing a mile a minute, and the confusion in her heart escalated to utter chaos.  What was she to do?  She knew in her heart that the Man in the dream was real, and she knew she wanted to follow Him, and she even knew that this was the path He wanted her on.  But where was He?  Where was He when she needed Him most?  When she needed Him to defend her from that voice again?  She felt an angry bitterness towards the Man arise within her.

"This is YOUR doing, You know,"  she screamed into the sky.  "I'm here because of You.  Why do You leave me like this?  Why do You abandon me in my time of need?  Where are You?"

Tears began to stream down her face.  She cupped her face in her hands, and wept aloud.  She didn't care who saw, because no one was there to comfort her anyway.  She was alone, and in pain.  She felt as if she was right back where she started, although the truth was that she had come so far.

A beggar man was walking down the path, and spotted her from afar. He approached with a cavalier attitude, which seemed odd because he was a beggar.  He came up behind her slowly, standing tall over her.

"Get up," he thundered. Shocked and a bit afraid, she quickly wiped her eyes and attempted to make herself presentable.
"W-what," she sniffled, still wiping her eyes and fixing herself.
"Get up," he thundered again.  "You have to keep going."

Who is this, she thought, that is telling me to get up and keep going.  The voice of the beggar was almost recognizable, but she could not pinpoint where she heard it before.

"I can't do it,"  she replied.  "I'm too weak. I just want to give up."
"I didn't ask you if you wanted to get up.  I told you to get up.  You must keep going on the path. Get up."
"No," she argued.  She wasn't crying anymore.  Now she was just angry. "I've been abandoned and hurt.  No one is here with me to help me.  I can't do it.  It's too hard to do on my own.  I quit.  I have to quit.  I can't go back. I can't go forward.  I just need to quit."

"OK," the beggar said.  "I was going to help you, but if you just want to sit here and feel bad for yourself, I will let you.  Oh, and for the record, I know the way to the light."

Something kicked deep inside her.  The voice of the beggar was too familiar.  How did he know the way to the light?  How did he even know about the light?  Maybe he could help her out of this mess.  She was sure that she would probably fail, but she thought it was worth a shot.

"Wait,"  she shouted after the beggar, who was already ten feet down the road.  "I don't want to feel bad for myself.  I am just having a hard time.  But, I want to find the light.  I want to go down the path."

The beggar stopped. He smiled, still facing away from her.  This is what he wanted to hear.

Suddenly, the beggar turned around and shed all of his sackcloth.  From underneath the beggarly attire arose the brightest light the girl had ever seen.  It was the Man from the dream! He was clothed in white robes and girded with a sword.  He had a crown of thorns on His head.  His hair was a shiny, yet humble brown color, and His eyes were like fire piercing her heart.  The olive-complected Man stared into her eyes with a love that she couldn't understand, but wanted so badly.  Suddenly, she realized that all the thoughts in her head were gone.  She was so consumed with the glorious beauty of the Man from her dream that she forgot about the voice and all his lies.

The Man held out His hand, and smiled. "Get up, and come with Me.  I will help you."

In complete awe and almost disbelief that this was happening to her, the girl got up from the ground, shook off the dust she was covered in, and ran to the Man.  She got up so quickly that she tripped a number of times trying to get to Him.  But she didn't care how she looked anymore.  She just wanted to be with Him.

He was real, and she loved Him.

When she approached the Man, she gazed into His fiery eyes.  She was so amazed at His beauty -- that had not appeared this strong in her dream -- that her mouth dropped and her eyes grew larger and larger by the second.

The Man cupped her cheek and smiled warmly at her.

"I will NEVER leave you," He assured her, "and I will NEVER forsake you.  I am always here with you, even when you can't see Me and can't feel Me.  You are beautiful in My sight, and I am so in love with your heart to do My will.  I will be faithful to you and I will make sure you finish your journey.  I AM the light that you search for.  So, don't look away from Me.  Don't forget Me.  I have not forgotten you, My beloved one.  Will you be faithful to Me?"

The question perplexed her.  It was almost as if He was waiting on edge for her response.  Tears were streaming down her face.  How could she not give her life to this Man?  How could she not be faithful to Him?  He has been so faithful to her!  He had loved her with an everlasting love, and yet, she knew not the extent of it still!  This is love, she thought.  This is why I'm alive.

Something still tugged in her heart.  She knew that His love was perfect, but hers was not. She knew she would fail Him, and this saddened her greatly.

"I want to be faithful to You, but I know I'm going to fail You," she responded, with grief in her soul.
"I know," He said with love in His eyes, "but if you take each day at a time, and sign up for loving Me every day, and you ask for forgiveness when you mess up...I will count that as faithfulness, 100%."
"Really?  But what if I mess up really bad?  How can You ever forgive me?  What about when I listen to that voice?  He always torments me, and I hate him for it."
"I can save to the uttermost those who come to Me with an honest heart.  Those who call on Me when the voice attacks with his deception will always be saved from him.  Plus, I have a whole army that does battle against him daily.  You need not be afraid of his power, because he has none against you...because you have Me.  Use your strength to call on Me, and I will save you from his tactics."
"Alright...then yes!  I will be faithful to You alone.  I will leave everything behind for You.  I will continue on this path.  I cannot do it alone, but I believe that You will help me."

The Man smiled greatly.  This was His desire...to be with the girl forever.  He took out a beautiful white dress from the satchel He had been carrying.  The dress shined like the sun.  It was the most beautiful dress the girl had ever seen.  With the dress, He retrieved a silver crown that had a name on it.

"Here," He said. "Put these on.  From now on, you are a princess in My kingdom. Wear these things proudly as you journey toward the goal."
She put the dress on immediately with extreme excitement in her heart.  One could swear it was her birthday.  She looked at the silver crown, shaped and forged so smoothly and elegantly.  But she could not read the name, for it was in another language.
"What does this say? I don't understand."
"I am giving you a new name and I am putting a new song in your heart.  The name is Rivka, for you are bound to Me forever. Remember this name when attack comes.  Because you are bound to Me, I will be with you where you are and I will save you."

He gently took the crown from her, and placed it on her head.  She was amazed at her new identity, and she didn't want to give up anymore.  The Man was worth her fight.  The Man was worth her effort.  He had clothed her in a beautiful dress and placed a crown on her head and promised to be with her.  She knew she didn't deserve all of this, but this made her love Him more.  She had a new resolve to never give up and never go back.  She was going to fight the good fight and run the race with endurance.  She would go down this path with confidence, because she knew He was with her. But one thing still bothered her.

"Can I ask You a question,"  she said frankly.
"Anything,"  He responded, knowing already what the question in her heart was.
"What is Your Name," she asked.  "You gave me a new name, but I want to know what name to call on."
He smiled and laughed.
"My name is Yeshua, because I am your salvation."



TO BE CONTINUED...
           



  

One Thing

So, I wrote this little bit in the Prayer Room this morning.  It goes in and out of prose and poetry and songs n stuff.  It's not very organized...but it's what came out, lol.  Just a note, if I mention the Lord as my "Lover"...I DON'T MEAN IT IN A SEXUAL WAY!!!!!!! Just wanting to clarify...some people get weird ideas.  I don't mean it in any kind of weird romantic way.  That's just gross.  I mean it in a purely artistic sense of a heart connection to the Lord and a spiritual connection and the Lord being in first place in my heart. NOTHING MORE.

I have all these ... feelings....welling up inside of me -- all the ways You've been my Number One --  But no words to speak them, no voice to sing them, no strength to dance them.  And yet, the feelings get stronger and the water boils even more.  The fire grows and my heart yearns all the more.  But how can I sing of the Lord when He is unknowable?  How can I dance when His Presence is so immense?  How can I write of this God that I know not of?


For Your thoughts are higher than my thoughts
You are perfect
Your ways are not my silly old ways
You are too good


But Lord, Your perfection surpasses the most majestic mountain, and Your goodness is far greater than the most perfect sunrise.  How do You shape the mountains? And how do You fill the oceans?  How do You paint the sky, with all the stars and the sun, shining so brightly?  The nations are but a drop in the bucket to You, and the universes are Your sheep.  


Lord! It's not good enough!  My words will never match Your beautiful glory! How can I sing a song when no pitch rings true?  And how can I dance the dance of a story that I cannot comprehend? What is grace, Lord?  I know not the extent of Your grace!  What is mercy, Lord?  I cannot tell.  For even the grace and mercy You've shown me stoops my frail human frame.  Your grace is so great and Your mercy so strong in me!  Yet...I know it not - even when it stares me in the face!


But, Lord, if You would grant me one favor, just one desire that's in my heart.  If it pleases You, Lord, in Your mercy and grace...would You allow me to dwell in Your house forever?  I want to be with You, Lord.  I want to live in Your Presence.  I don't want to leave the garden of communion.  O, let me stay and gaze on Your beauty.  Let me see the different facets of Your character.  I want to lock eyes with my Creator.  O, and Lord, I want to talk with You.  Help me to hear Your voice.  Let us dialogue and fellowship.  I seek Your heart, Lord.  Let the groaning of Your heart billow within me.  I seek Your wisdom, Lord.  O, Lord, if You would grant me one thing in the whole world, please, let me abide in You, and You in me, that I might be a vessel that brings glory to Your name.  You are the One that I want.  Above all else, give me Yourself, Father.


There is not one person, no, not a thing in all creation that satisfies my soul the way that You have Lord.  You're all I need.  You're all I want, Yeshua.  I will never give that place in my heart to another, for You are the only One that I love.  You're the only One who makes me undone.  And I am undone.  Because, who am I that You would love a wretch like me?  What is Your love?  I am incapable of pure love.  Yet, You still love me, more and more.  


Jesus, You're my King!  I'll never seat another in Your place in my heart again!  Lord, don't let me do it!  Don't let me go! Hold me close, so tight that I can't escape.  Father, hold me in Your arms, in Your arms of strength and safety, in Your arms of mercy and justice, in Your arms of love.  O, God!  Don't let me go!  Don't let me go!


You are the only One for me, Lord.  I'll have no other.  I won't accept anyone but You.  You're my only Lover.  You're my only Defender.  You're my only One.  


Jesus is the One!
He is the only One for me!
And I'll have no other
He is my only Lover


And when I arise
You will be on my mind
When I confront the day
With You my heart will stay
So when I face the trials of the life
I know You'll be right by my side
Therefore I'll never leave You
Cause You're the only One I'll talk to!


For such a High Priest was fitting for man
That we might not bear these burdens again
You are holy, harmless, blameless, O God
You are perfected forever, the Great Echad
You are the only One found worthy
To be seated in my heart as the 
King of Glory
And I look to no one,
I look for no thing
Because You are my only satisfaction, You see.


You are good
And there is no other
You are holy
And there is no other
You are righteous
There is none like You Lord


You are the One
You are the only One for me
And I'll have no other
You are my only Lover.