I got off work early tonight, so I went down to EGS (Encounter God Service). I came in 2.5 hours late, but that's ok cause it's technically a 4 hours service with a 2-hr Prayer Room set after. I walked in, beat, tired (more like utterly exhausted), but not sad. I was in a pleasant mood. :) I walked across the FCF (Forerunner Christian Fellowship...everything at IHOP is acronyms!) Auditorium trying to find a seat as Mike Bickle was giving his message. I didn't hear the beginning and I think I came about 5-10 minutes into the message. That's when Mike really gets into the notes; the first five minutes. I was kinda bummed cause there weren't any notes left to take, and I'm visual (and didn't have my Bible), so notes would've been nice. It didn't bother me much though. Finding a seat was much more important.
The place was so crowded, they pulled out the orange plastic chairs from the basketball court, which is on the far side in another "room". Still, nothing. I was secretly hoping I'd see some people I knew who'd give me a seat, but finding anyone in this crowd was a little difficult.
I found a seat on the floor right in front of the doors that lead to the basketball courts (it's an indoor gym). Mike was saying something about how Yeshua leaves the 99 and goes after that one. He talked about how Yeshua -- after we run away from the Lord for whatever reason -- goes after us and puts all these circumstances in our path that either starve us out, or slowly help us to see Him. Then, we tell everyone how we found God! haha. I think that's kind of true how the Lord sets all these situations up for us and goes looking for us, and after He finds us, we say, "Oh, Lord! There You are! I have been looking for You and have found You!" The Word of God says (somewhere, lol) that we once were lost and now are found (it's also in Amazing Grace). Who are we found by? God! He found us! :D That means.....He's lookin' for ya. :)
Mike continued by talking about the parable of the Prodigal Son, and how it's really about a Father first, who loves His sons. He showed us how we mostly see God as angry or mad at us, like He's waiting for us to finally get it. But the reality is, God is searching for us. Obviously, He knows where we are. I don't mean in a physical sense. To be honest, I'm not really sure what it means at all. I just know that the Word of God says it. He goes after that one sheep. He goes looking for him.
Mike ended by showing us that, like the prodigal son, we can sometimes try to negotiate with God. Like, "God, if you just forgive me one more time, I promise I'll do all these works to make up for it. I'll become the servant because I don't really deserve a seat in Your house." The concept of works versus grace came up.
I find myself, many many times, hiding from God or shutting down to Him when I do something wrong. It's almost like I become afraid that God will strike me down with a lightning bolt or tell everyone about what a horrible person I am (because I think He gives people words like that apparently, lol). I struggle with feeling like my little issues are a burden to the Lord. He doesn't really have time for stupid, insignificant me. My problems are not worth His time. I have to figure it out on my own cause He doesn't care enough to help me. Then, when I get it wrong....big trouble. Oh, here we go. Dolly screwed up again. When are you going to learn? I end up feeling like this big pile of mush, and hiding even more from the Lord.
Now, I won't go into detail about how my family dynamics almost directly correlate with why I view God that way, but I must say, most of us (because I KNOW I'm not the only one) have a real crooked view of how the Lord sees us. Whether you're the perfectionist who thinks God only excepts the A+ or you're out, or you're the one who thinks God doesn't care enough anyway, so why bother.....we all have patterns that affect the way we view God. Both of those views are wrong views of God, in case anyone thought their view was right. :D
I find myself in a pickle with a few things. #1: What is the right view of God? #2: How can I actually allow that to become a real and lasting part of my life?
Well, I know what the right view of the Lord is. He loves us and goes after us and we're each His favorite. But, time and time again, I find myself struggling with old tapes and old lies about God and myself. Does this mean I don't know God? Absolutely not! Actually, I think if people don't go through these kinds of things at more than one point in their life...they're probably lying or denying the reality of their relationship with God. Even the person with the perfect family doesn't actually have THE perfect family. We can pretend all we want, folks, but no family is perfect no matter how hard they work to make a good life for you.
The other thing I have been struggling with is works versus grace. I believe that grace actually empowers us to do the works, but works do not save us and grace is not an excuse to stop doing works. But legitimately, what happens when you don't read your Bible every day or pray? That doesn't mean we're going to hell...although it could turn out that way in the end if we don't do those things. When you sin but then repent sincerely, God erases the sin as if it didn't happen. Doesn't that seem weird to you? He just...forgets. No strings attached. Well, God knows if I'm sincere, but how do I know I'm sincere? And what happens when I'm not strong enough to take the darts of the enemy? Does that mean I'm not a very strong believer? Does that mean I'm not reading the Word enough? How come one message is about God's judgment and fury and another is about how much God loves us...and they're BOTH right? Why is it so black and white...but at the same time it's so circumstantial?
I think I'm discovering the Otherness of God as we speak...
I feel like Paul talking about how he does the things he hates and he doesn't do the things he wants to do. The Lord is so "other than" anything we know, but at the same time His Word is meant for the simplest of minds. All this questioning makes me want to do is fall at the feet of Yeshua. Well, at least there's a good response. haha. I have no answers about anything. Only questions. I feel humbled...and I like it. :D
Ending thoughts: I am not a burden to God. He delights in taking care of me and He delights in the way I love Him. He is going to take care of me cause He's my Daddy and show me all the things a daughter gets. That is all. :) *heart melts for Yeshua*
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