For Such A Time As This

This is the blog update I've basically been avoiding writing for some time.  When you get into the "gotta be ok whether you are or not" mode, it's difficult to go to the vulnerable places in your heart.  So, here goes...

I didn't want to come home.  I wanted to stay in my little safe cocoon -- that is, the "Onething Internship" -- and never leave.  I didn't want to face the scary real world.  I enjoyed doing my own thing, by myself, with the Lord, where no one could really complain to the point where it actually effected me. I liked being able to express myself without judgment or complaining.  I could be...me.

But, the Lord had different plans for me.  Against the counsel of most of my friends, He wanted me to come home.  Now, I can understand why everyone wanted me to stay, so that's no negativity towards them.  Even I wanted to stay (but I also really wanted to come home, too, lol).  But the Lord's directions were very clear. GO. HOME.

So, here I am.  No job (yet).  No car (yet).  No money (yet).  My only real security, right now, is where I'm staying.  :D  *grateful heart*  Everything seems so polar opposite of my time at IHOP, and I have really been struggling to not pack my things and head back.  I'm not in Kansas (City) anymore, Toto.

But the Lord keeps reminding me of why I'm here.  He keeps showing me how I've been placed back at home "for such a time as this".  This quote, from the Book of Esther, has been somewhat a banner over me for the past month or so.  I think it's ironic that, for those of you who don't know, I am currently playing Queen Esther in a Purim play.  When I first got the script, I wasn't sure about auditioning because it was a comedy.  In high school, I didn't try too much comedy.  Most of the shows we did were controversial dramas.  The ONLY comedic scene I did my sophomore year at Beverly was tragically chaotic.  It was so bad that it wasn't funny at all.  I guess that's what happens when you don't memorize your lines or rehearse at all.  lol.

Being my usual "do everything" self, I emailed Wendy Cohen (the director/writer/producer) and said yes to the play after only glancing at it secretly in the Prayer Room.  ;)  shhhhh. When I got home, I remembered that auditions were on Wednesday (I realized this on Monday), so I read the whole script.  As I am reading Scene 11 (which, if you come...WHICH YOU ALL BETTER...then you'll see what I'm talking about), during Esther's monologue, I began to weep.  I have prayed those prayers.  I have said those things.  I have cried out to God like that.  I cannot even describe the level of connection I felt to Esther's character.  I felt nothing for the other characters.

So, I prayed.  I knew that if any of the people I thought would be at the audition were there...then I definitely wouldn't get it, because I am simply not as skilled an actress.  That's not an exaggeration or insult to myself...it's fact. But I strongly felt like the Lord wanted me to learn something from playing her.  To be honest, because of certain circumstances, I wasn't even sure if I wanted to audition at all.  But, because of God (yes, Lord, I blame You for this, ;x), I took a leap of faith and went to Wendy's for auditions.  About 5 seconds after I walk in, Wendy said, "Well, it's a good thing you're here, because the only other contender for Esther couldn't make it!"  All I have to say is..."You're funny, God."

We have only been in rehearsal for a few weeks, and I'm finding that it is much easier for me to get into Esther's character, rather than Misha's (from the Passover play from last year).  The Lord has already been working in me through playing this character.  He is actually bringing up other situations to make it easier for me to get into character.  The Lord wants to make me stronger through playing Queen Esther.  He wants me to learn about overcoming fear (of her husband, of death, etc.), and He wants me to rise up against all odds and follow Him. TRUST is a new word that I need to become apart of my vocabulary. This will be new ground for me, but the Lord is faithful to complete the good work He has started in me.

While, in the world's eyes, my life seems pretty desolate and hopeless right now, in God's eyes, I'm doin' ok.  He's got me right where He wants me. I'm safe in His arms.  He will bring me through...I TRUST Him.  :)