It's so strange being in this place again. Exactly one year ago, I was doing the same thing I am doing now...fundraising, moving, working, stressing. While I feel a connection with what I was doing a year ago, I realize I am a completely different person. Ironically, I have not been the one to point out the changes...others have. But, I guess that's part of the change, too. :)
I feel, looking back a the internship, a new sense of strength. While many of you know I don't have a very thick skin, it is definitely thicker than before. I also am finally able to have fun and experience a childhood I never really got to have. Quite honestly, who cares if people think I'm childish!? I never got to be a kid, so I'm gonna do it now and have fun. Having fun has actually become a fairly necessary part of my life. Having fun has helped me to overcome and stay strong. It also helps the time go by faster! :D I feel like, through having designated times (or not-so designated times) of fun, I have been able to give the "little Dolly" in me some hope and peace.
I think of my life as this crazy adventure...like Indiana Jones, or something. The only problem is I keep trying to figure out the ending to each episode (or movie)! Fortunately for everyone else, God has me on a "need-to-know" basis. He says, "Go here," and nothing else. I don't ever know how long I'll be there, or what will happen afterward, or anything! God drives me nuts sometimes (and I mean that in a very affectionately respectful way). I just wanna shake my fist at Him and make Him tell me everything....the whens, the hows, the wheres, the whys, and for crying out loud how long I'm gonna have to wait for all of this to happen! ;)
God is pretty smart NOT to tell me, I think. He knows me too well. He knows I'd be planning it and trying to make it all happen in my own strength if I knew the ending....but He wants ALL the glory. I can't take any of it. He is gonna make me wait so He can say (and I will know) it was all by His strength that I did it, and it was all because of His love for me that He brought all of this to pass. He's God. I'm not. OK, Lord! I get it!
I know something is on the brink of happening...but I don't know what it is, and I don't know how it's gonna happen. I might possibly know the end result....but it's all kinda up in the air, and every time I try to figure out how or try to make it happen, it doesn't. When will I try to stop meddling in God's plan? Ugh! Being impatient and slightly stubborn, I ask God, "Can't you just make it happen and get it over with already?!?! I'm tired of waiting and trying to figure out what You're doing!" He laughs like a Father would. "Teddy isn't ready yet." (this is a reference to a previous blog...please go to dollymullen.tumblr.com to see more)
I think it's time to stop being mad at God for not telling me stuff.
I hate that. When you know you are mad at God for the wrong reasons. He's God. Of course He knows more than you. Why would He tell you everything when you'll just ruin the plans and spoil His fun!? Well, at least I know He's having fun carving a path for my life. Now if I could just stay on it all the time! ;)
Looking at my blog name, Dolly by Design, I am reminded that I am by His design and so is my life. Life is like a canvas that the Lord creates a beautiful masterpiece on. Without Him, it's plain and white and sits in the attic collecting dust. With Him, it's full of life and beauty; an intricate magnum opus, filled with texture and dimension. The Artist of artists has hand-crafted our lives with pleasure and joy. The Artist of artists has skillfully composed the adventure of a lifetime. The Artist has done it again. He has ravished my heart with one glance of His heart. He has managed to leave me breathless, yet again.
How fair is Your love, O Lord, Maker of the heavens, Ruler of the skies. My heart searches after the Chief among ten thousand. I come alive at Your Word, and the very breath of Your Being. Wrap me in a garment of praise. Clothe me in righteous. Sustain me, Lord. I fall into Your arms of grace and mercy. There I shall find rest for my soul. Wash me clean with Your blood, and raise me up to follow You. I am Yours. You are mine. Nothing else matters.
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