Free

"We are free to be the change we wish to see."

This chorus hit me pretty hard last night.  It seems like a simple, obvious statement, but it actually has a lot more meaning and power behind it than I was giving credit.  

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind"         (2 Tim 1:7, NKJV).  

  The thing which most quenches freedom in our lives, I believe, is a spirit of fear.  Why fear? Fear keeps us on the sidelines. It keeps us out of the game instead of playing first string.  Fear forces isolation in our personalities and our gifts.  It removes our ability to maintain healthy relationships with others and puts a literal freeze in our system.  

I have had many encounters with fear.  Some real and warranted. Others completely ridiculous.  But I think one of my biggest fears is being myself. Now, you Cholerics, Melancholies, and even you Senguines (aka Lion, Beaver, and Otter) cannot completely grasp why on earth a Phlegmatic (Golden Retriever) would be afraid to be themselves. The lion is too busy dominated everyone else's personality to really care, the beaver believes it's too busy being perfect to change anything, and the otter is trying to entertain everyone.  The truth is, most golden retrievers may or may not even know who they are because they're trying to be or hide under the other three personalities.  And let's face it, it's much easier to just let the person who enjoys being in charge and dominating every situation do their thing.  It's easier to either leave the person who is analytical and a perfectionist alone to their emo musical symphony.  It's also easier to allow the person who is the life of the party entertainer, and frequently irresponsible take the limelight.  But what about the rest of us? What about the one who can't decide between coffee and tea because they don't want to burden anyone with anything they don't want to do? What about the one who would rather listen to everyone else talk than bore everyone with their story? What about the one who cares so much about what other people think about them that they give up trying to find out who they really are?  

Now, that whole last paragraph seemed pretty negative. I actually took all the negative aspects of each personality type and threw them together. There are many good qualities of each, and if you think you don't have any of those negative qualities listed...you're probably the Melancholy Beaver. lol. ;) Many of us get which ones we are mixed up, and we also wear masks.  

I have found too many times in my life that it has been so much easier to just let other people tell me how to live my life.  They tell me what I'm good at, what I'm not good at, where I should serve, how I should act, who I should or should not date, and what I should do with my life.  Mostly what that turns into is other people using me for their own purposes and agendas.  But, for all you easily offended people out there who are assuming I'm talking about you right now...did I say 'all'?  No, I said mostly. So I may or may not be talking about you.  That's the beauty of a blog...I don't have to tell you. ;)

What has happened in result of doing what everyone else wants is that I've given up so many different parts of myself.  It's like my personality and body don't belong to me.  This of course is normal with victims of abuse.  Not only that, but they constantly think they are, at the core, bad or evil.  With this ungodly mindset comes a whole mess of behavioral problems which include just submitting to what other people want and being overly sensitive to what others think about you. People always tell me I need to get thicker skin, but you know if my 'skin' (meaning boundaries as a person in this case) hadn't been violated on a number of levels repeatedly, maybe I would be able to be like everyone else who somehow can handle deliberate attacks from others. It takes a lot more for certain people to overcome certain things. I don't dare tell others to just get over it and toughen up, because what may be easy for me is not easy at all for others.We can all judge each other from a distance, but true knowledge of a person's insides is only for God to know (I don't care how much "discernment" you have). 

But I think I've been pushed enough in my life that I think I'm tired of living by these rules (doing what others say and such).  IHOP was a really good experience for me.  I was able to gain freedom in a structured environment, and learn and question what I really believe. People have tried to take that from me by hating on IHOP and hating on me because I went there. But no one can take the experiences I've had there away from me. Does this mean I want to live there and become an intercessory missionary for the rest of my life? Absolutely not! In fact, being stuck in one place for the rest of my life scares me a lot, and there are things there that I need that they don't offer. But bottom line is that I'm not called to be an intercessory missionary at IHOP! I will always support them but I don't have to be there to do that.  IHOP has given me space to be myself and taught me how to get there in a godly way.  

For the past month and a half or so, God has really blessed me in a strange way. Upon returning from Messiah Conference, I was blessed to have absolutely NO money.  It seems like one would feel oppositely about this, and at first it was NO fun at all, but it has turned out to be a really huge blessing.  I haven't been able to really go anywhere for Shabbat services (although, I have had numerous offers from other congregations who are willing to pay for me to drive to their services), or out with friends or family (unless they pay for me as well).  So why is this a blessing?  In this time, I have really been able to rest and take a break from things.  I have been able to step back, and just pray and read the Word and hear from God without any outside commotion (because I was praying and reading before, but with way too much commotion).  I have been looking for a job, so it's not like I've been super super lazy (although I have definitely had my lazy days, haha, which are fabulous). But I have been somewhat secluded in the little safe haven I call home (aka Kurt & Rita's house, teehee), with no judgment and nothing but encouragement and honesty from those around me and the Lord.  It has truly been a blessing for me.  

Many people may not understand fully what being in a season of being hidden by the Lord is, but I assure you that it is something that is truly a glorious thing.  I am able to see what things are ahead, and gain hope for my future, and actually try to work out who I am, and look at doing what I want to do and what God wants me to do. Being in a physical place of total stagnation has really taken it's toll. You can do all things for Christ you want, but if you're not spiritually moving forward in Him and in His will (not others'), then you're stuck. I'm moving over to the river that rushes to the ocean, instead of being stuck in the little pond.  I want to give in new areas and move in ALL of my gifts, rather than being stuck in just one.

This brings me now to the quote from the beginning of this blog. "I am free to be the change I wish to see".  What I got out of this last night that really hit me hard was that God was saying to me that I don't have to be chained to the vision others have for me.  I don't have to be the change they want to see. I don't have to strive for the vision of change that others have (assuming they have a vision of change or any vision at all).  I have a God-given vision for change that I wish to see in the world, and that's what I should go after.  He is telling me that I'm free to be all that He's created me to be.  I am not an idol created by man to perform for the betterment of anyone's name or cause. I am a living, breathing warrior created by God for His glory and honor.  I'm alive.  I will take back what others have stolen from me and move like the waterfall (which is what my middle name, Lynn, means), crashing down on the stagnant waters below. I will stomp in the enemy's head with the power of the Name of Jesus. I am the thoroughbred in the race, and He is my jockey. He's also the One betting on me that I'll win. I won't settle for the vision others have for me; that's idolatry. I will only settle for His vision. 

"I have one goal, one vision
I have one dream, one ambition"
"There is only One
There is only One
There is only One found worthy"

Work-In-Progress

I love people watching. I love researching the physical artwork that God has so creatively constructed and fabricated.  I enjoy studying an individual's mannerisms, style choices, and seeing how they interact with others.  In my observation of the human species, I have come to realize two all-encompassing realities: One, that we are all a work-in-progress, and; Two, that we all try to hide that we are, in fact, a work-in-progress.  

  When God created mankind, He created us in His image, according to His likeness (Gen. 1:26).  He created us that we might be kings and priests, living before His eyes.  Adam and Eve were to be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it (Gen 1:28). But they were also to tend the garden and keep it (Gen. 2:15). I believe this was no ordinary gardening, with a hoe or a shovel, but rather a specific type of priestly duty.  But that argument is for another blog.  When Perfection creates something according to His likeness, that something is not perfect in itself.  We were made like God, but we are not God.  The Fall of Adam and Eve made that very clear.  Since the Fall, God has been moving forward in His plan to dwell with us again, and we are moving forward in our plan to take things back to before the Fall -- when we had unashamed, raw communion with our Creator.  

The Fall itself was evidence of our unwavering sinful desire to be God.  It wasn't enough for us that we were made in His image, according to His likeness.  We had to be the Omnipotent Creator.  So, along with our desire to go back to the beginning -- when we saw Him face to face -- we are concurrently seeking our fleshly mortal desire to become immortal and live as Perfection Himself. This fact finds its evidence in almost every area of current society.  Scientists are searching for new ways to extend a humans' life span.  Cosmetic companies and dermatological industries are coming out with creams to make you look younger for longer.  We have plastic surgery, drugs, diets, and talk shows that teach you how to look 'perfect' for longer.

But not only do we have physical remedies for these desires, we also have Facebook, Twitter, and any blog or social networking site that will let us create our own ideal of perfection.  We follow the trends found on the latest Pin (from Pinterest) and let our Instagram rule our idea of artistic and beautiful.  We're more interested in the new drink made in a mason jar than we are about being ourselves.  We put the newest trend before honesty, and the newest phone before reality.  Not only that, we compete with each to see who has the best of it all!  I cannot tell you how many times people have thrown the fact that they have an iPhone 4s in my face, when I only have an iPhone 4.  WHO CARES?!  It is just a phone, and you won't have that phone in a few years cause the iPhone 7x will be out and yours won't be cool anymore.

Realizing you're a work-in-progress doesn't make you less than others.  You may have it all together on Facebook. But typically, the people seem like they have it the most together are the one who are falling apart the most.  We shouldn't be so consumed with our Instagram and our Tumblr that we forget what we were made for: to be kings and priests living before the eyes of our Creator.  We were made for communion with God.  We were made to dwell with Him as in the days of the garden of Eden.  

I am a work-in-progress.  I am by no means perfect and I definitely don't have it all together.  Sometimes I get discouraged by that fact, but then I remember why I'm really here.  It's not to have it all together.  It's to be together with my Creator.  Perfect people are boring.  Real people are a treasure on this earth, and hard to find.  I want to be real and raw and genuine no matter who comes my way.  And if you don't like the real me, that's ok.  I am created in His image and according to His likeness.  I am His beloved daughter, and He is my beloved Creator. Why do I need man's approval to do His will or to be who He's created me to be?  

Being a work-in-progress is a path of honesty and humility.  God calls us to be perfect as He is perfect, but He also commits to complete the work He has started in us.  That means we've all got a long journey ahead of us. So let's stop trying to be God, and let God work in us.  We're all a work-in-progress, whether we choose to believe it or not.  But the key word here is progress. 

Prayer Starter:

Lord, thank You that You are God and I am man.  Thank You for creating me in Your image and according to Your likeness.  I realize my faults in trying to be something or someone I'm not, and I vow to live honestly before Your eyes and before the eyes of others.  Jesus, I want to see Your face.  I want to hear Your voice.  Come and work in me.  Cleanse me with Your blood and make me into Your vessel of light and truth.  In Jesus' Name, Amen.