Trusting In The Word

I hate when I have something to say, but it just won't come out the way I want it to. Meh! I really strive for raw honesty when I write. I don't like to hold back. I don't believe in keeping the revelations God has given me to myself. It's not always pretty or politically correct what I write, and I don't always write with the most eloquent vocabulary. But what I write I write with a genuine desire to communicate what God is doing in my life in hopes that maybe -- just maybe -- it will inspire others or help others to understand where I'm coming from, and possibly spark something within their spirits that leads them closer (even just one half-step) to the Lord. I don't assume to know anything. I don't assume that I know more than any of you. And I don't write to blast people through religious jargon. I write completely what I feel I need to say that God would minister to ME with what I say. I believe in the power of the testimony of others, and I believe in the testimony of Yeshua in my life.

The Lord has really been working with me in a few areas: trust and confidence. If you know me at all, you know that I don't trust anyone and I keep everyone at arms distance. It takes me awhile to warm up to people, and I'm very shy and reserved in first meetings (unless it's a ministry event where I have to put that aside for the sake of the ministry). I don't typically push myself on others or go out of my way to engage people. It has nothing to do with whether or not I like people. I actually like people a lot. But I find it difficult to break the wall of fear with regards to peoples expectations of how I should act and I honestly don't like being a burden to anyone.  I think typically people are better off without me.  I don't like interrupting conversations or just waltzing up to a group of people because I feel like I'm not worth the time and I would hate for anyone to be upset with me for assuming that I was important enough to be apart of their conversation or event. That's honestly how I feel. I have no confidence in my importance or worth, and I don't trust others to see any importance in me nor do I trust myself to act in a way worthy of friendship or acceptance.  

Now, did I say these were correct ways of thinking? NO. I am just being honest here in how I feel. Engaging a group of people and going up to 80 people to say hi and give hugs takes more than just a little push in my head.  I panic about this quite frequently. What if I do it wrong? What if I hug too tight? What if I hug too loose? What if they don't think my smile is genuine? You should hear the things that happen in my head sometime...it's actually quite funny. And stupid. I wish my brain would just shut up sometimes. Because, the reality is that it's really not a big deal. I'm created by God, in His image. Why should I be so afraid of talking to people? Why do I think I have such little importance and that everyone will be mad if I speak? Why can't I just be myself around everyone? Around anyone? 

The answer, so simple, came from my dad. If anyone knows where these behavioral patterns come from, it's my dad. He explained it all very easily. The uncertainty and hostility and volatility of childhood pretty much destroyed my ability to just engage people. I've always been the type to hold back and observe to see if it's safe before I enter into anything, even a simple conversation. I've always been plagued to some degree with fear of the unknown. Fear of when the next shoe will drop. Fear of when the crap will hit the fan. Because of this "every man for himself" environment, I've isolated myself from the world to a degree.  No one will break down my fort of protection!  I've become the Lone Ranger! AH! ;) 

So, since I've discovered the root of the problem, I've been praying and asking the Lord to help me trust Him and have confidence in His love. I can only pray and try my best to overcome this. I can only bring it before the Lord and ask for Him to shower me with His love and acceptance. The root of the problem is that I don't believe the Lord will protect me from anyone and I have to do everything on my own. I actually don't trust the Lord. I don't have confidence in the Lord. These are the issues at hand. This is a huge sin! How can I call myself a believer if I can't even trust the One I believe in? How is that Biblical?  If this is what I truly believe then there is no hope in my life! But...

"being confident in this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ" (Philippians 1:6, italics added).

and...

"Therefore He is also able to save to the uttermost those who come to God through Him, since He always lives to make intercession for them" (Hebrews 7:25, italics added). 

Right now, Yeshua is interceding for me that I would grow and that my faith would not fail. He prays that I would trust Him and be confident in His work.  I am His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that I should (that I will) walk in them (Eph. 2:10). I was created for good, and not for evil. I was created to live, and not die. I was created for intimate fellowship with God and others. I was created for beauty, and not for ashes. I am clean and washed by His blood. I will have confidence in what God says about me, regardless of the fleshly opinions of others. I will not give up my birthright for isolation and fear.

The Lord desires that we walk in relationship and fellowship with others, as well as Himself. Doing that requires a sense of trust that God will protect us from however the enemy may use others to slander us and come against us. It also requires that we trust that God is working in others just as much as He is working in us. Observation and caution is good and wise, but not to the degree of isolation. We must move past our fear of the next shoe dropping or being rejected by people or being gossiped about. Rise above the cloud of lies, and walk in the freedom of God's truth and love. The only truth we should submit to is the one from the Bible. That being said, we must rise up out of the ash heap and come into the fullness of God's truth about us. We must live in confidence, not in our own works and strength, but in God's faithfulness and commitment to us. Living confident in how we behave removes the work of the cross from our account.  Confidence in God's grace will push us to desire holiness and righteousness in our behavior, but it is not where we put our trust or confidence. God is with us in the process. Trust Him in this process. The more you place yourself at His feet, the more your behavior will change. We move from glory to glory, always striving to be holy because He is holy. We want to look like Him.




Lord, we want to look like You. We trust You, God, with our fears, our behavioral quirks and issues, and we ask that you would come and fill us with Your grace and truth. Fill us with confidence in Your love and acceptance. We believe that we are accepted in the Beloved. Help us to rise above it all and lift our gaze to Your throne. We seek Your truth, Lord. Give us strength in Your joy and love. Help us to see others the way You see them. We submit our ways to You, Lord. We submit to Your leadership in our lives. Give us confidence to overcome. In Jesus' Name, Amen. 

Imitator

"Therefore be imitators of God as dear children." (Ephesians 5:1, NKJV)

 This verse (without actually reading it until today, lol) has been hitting me a lot this week.  Between listening to some amazing messages about this topic (or that included this topic), my jam time in la caro, and my devotionals on my iPhone, God has been speaking things that have been a passion in my life in a way that makes me melt.  You know that gooey, mushy feeling you get sometimes when your heart is so moved by a topic?  Your legs become jello and all you feel like doing is crying (the ugly kind) and praising and running off to some natural location where all you can see is green stuff and the sky.  Then you want to journal, but can't get anything out because it's just all so overwhelming!!! Then you want to start a revolution!!!!!  And then...you come back from the mother ship. Hello! ;)

There are so many things that have really been getting me in the past few weeks, but fortunately for you I won't spend this whole blog describing every single thing. You'd probably try to kill me if I did. I just would like to put out a few things...

God is always who He is.  He is never anyone else.  He never tries to keep up with the Jones'. He never puts a mask on to make you think He is better than He really is.  God is God. Always. He is always true to His personality.  He never changes to make someone feel better about themselves.  He doesn't shrink away or hide from the world. He may not always be loud and proud either! So, if we are to be imitators of God, why do we do these things? Why do we try to portray ourselves a certain way that makes us seem like we are imitators of God, when really we are living a double life and hurting God's heart?  Why do we hide our needs?  Why can't we be vulnerable with each other? More importantly, why don't we help each other?

I know many of you (if not all) are coming up with all kinds of reasons why you can't be vulnerable in your church or congregation because of the list of hurts and offenses and drama you've endured.  I don't take those lightly either. We have all been victims of rejection and betrayal and attacks from people who claim to be followers of the Bible and it's Messiah.  But...my point still stands (and I'll put it in a different way)...why aren't you doing something to change the culture of the Body so that you can be vulnerable and weak in front of others?  The change starts with Y.O.U. (and me, too!), no?

True worship of God means imitating Him.  What did He do?  What is Yeshua (Jesus) like?  1 John 3:1 says, "Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God!"  Who is this God that He loves us the way He does?!  Christ died for us that we might be that example of godly devotion and love to others.  When I was at enmity with God, He loved me enough to give His life that I might live more abundantly.  It is my responsibility but also my choice to give that love back (as weak and broken as it may be) to the world.

What would you like your tombstone to say about you?  I would like mine to say, "Dolly Mullen, mother of many who were not her own, lover of God".  Let's create a Jesus culture together. Let's dive in, hands first, hearts open wide.  My heart's desire is to be an imitator of my Creator.

Submitting To Making An Impact

Recently, Mike Bickle has been speaking on the Book of Zechariah.  I haven't been able to see all of his teachings, but I tuned into the Live Webstream on the IHOP-KC website this afternoon.  Today, Mike was speaking on Zechariah 5 and the vision of the woman in the basket.  It was so refreshing to hear Mike's thoughts on that chapter again, and to delve into that book.  During my time in the One Thing Internship, we dove into Eschatology (the study of the end-times) and God's plan for His people, Israel, and the whole world.  It really got me thinking of my role and about how much God really loves His people (ALL of us).

It's so interesting how God can use one thing, and then throws a completely different revelation at you. lol.

Looking from my perspective, I sometimes see imbalance on the subject of Israel in both the Church and in the Messianic Movement.  The Church seems to understand the concept of missions and reaching out to the lost, but they deny Israel's birthright as firstborn children of God and choose mostly to ignore Jews rather than reach out to them.  It's easier to reach out to typically less intellectual, but more spiritual people groups instead of a group of people that actually know the Bible sometimes better than your average Christian.  On the other hand, I have seen in the Messianic Movement an almost idolatrous spirit with regards to Israel.  What I mean by that, of course, is that many times those in the Messianic Movement put being Jewish, Jewish things/expression, and the nation of Israel on a level that meets God's.  Not only that, but sometimes misinterpreting worshipful music with actual worship music.  Encounter with God gets replaced with praying for another country/people group.  Yes, God says to pray for the peace of Jerusalem, but He does not mean in place of worshiping Him.

Now, what is my point in bringing this up at all?

I think growing up in the Messianic Movement can sometimes desensitize a person to the revelation of Israel.  Not that I forget in any way about it, or become anti-semetic. No way! But, it just becomes something that doesn't really move you anymore.  For people in my age group who have grown up with too many people idolizing another people group rather than their God, and who are seeking so hard for the Lord and "the stuff" (as John Wimber would say), it makes a lot of sense.  Thank God for the Church!  The Church to me with regards to Israel is like a child learning how to walk again. They have tasted the deep things of God, but this brings them even closer to Him and opens their hearts up to the Word in a way that they haven't known before.  It suddenly all makes sense to them and they want to know more. This is where we come in! We have the obligation to show them.  I must say though, this does not replace evangelizing the lost in any way.  Our goal should always be to bring people to Messiah...not Messianic Judaism. Messianic Judaism won't save them; that's God's job! ;) Relationship over religion!

I definitely felt the burden of the Lord for Israel in a way that I had never experienced before during my time at IHOP.  I also had many more opportunities to share the cultural reality of the Word of God than I ever have going to a Messianic Congregation.  I was reignited with love for God's plan and purpose for Israel, and I desired to show others the cool things God had shown me! :)  It wasn't difficult either.  Being one of the only culturally true Jews on campus raised a lot of curiosity.

Listening today to Mike Bickle's teaching on Zechariah raised an important question in my mind.  What is my role in bringing revelation of Yeshua to Israel and the nations? 

I believe strongly that if you're going to be apart of something big, it's better to be in the middle of everything than hanging out on the sidelines waiting for the ball to drop.  "On earth as it is in heaven."  It is our responsibility as Believers to cry out to God for His return, and to help create a resting place for Him on this earth. Prepare the way of the Lord! If we are constantly concerned about how God is going to serve us and bless us, how can we truly make an impact on mankind? We must be willing to reach out, go out, and get our hands dirty.  We must be willing to do the hard thing.  We must be willing to forsake everything for the excellence of the knowledge of Messiah Yeshua.  We must forget about how much money we have, who we are leaving behind, and start putting God's greater plan and purpose at the forefront of what we do. Do we really want to make a difference? Or do we just want to talk about making a difference?

Some of you that are reading this have a calling to make an impact on society in specific ways.  You are called to go out and minister and change lives, but something is holding you back.  Whether that be fear, or people you care for inadvertently holding you back, or your past... the Lord is desiring today to give you all you desire provided you forsake everything to know Him and serve Him.  Are you willing to lay your life down for the sake of the kingdom of God? Your struggles will not become easier if you don't do what God is calling you to do.  You can experience true freedom and liberty by abiding in Yeshua, and running the risk of doing what He's asking you to do.  How much of an impact do you want to make? How badly do you want Him?  He is asking you to take that leap of faith into His arms of love, and into His calling and destiny for your life. You are called to start fires, not dance around them.  Submit to the Lord's leadership over your life, and He will bless you with all you ask.  In His Mighty Name, Amen.

Free

"We are free to be the change we wish to see."

This chorus hit me pretty hard last night.  It seems like a simple, obvious statement, but it actually has a lot more meaning and power behind it than I was giving credit.  

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind"         (2 Tim 1:7, NKJV).  

  The thing which most quenches freedom in our lives, I believe, is a spirit of fear.  Why fear? Fear keeps us on the sidelines. It keeps us out of the game instead of playing first string.  Fear forces isolation in our personalities and our gifts.  It removes our ability to maintain healthy relationships with others and puts a literal freeze in our system.  

I have had many encounters with fear.  Some real and warranted. Others completely ridiculous.  But I think one of my biggest fears is being myself. Now, you Cholerics, Melancholies, and even you Senguines (aka Lion, Beaver, and Otter) cannot completely grasp why on earth a Phlegmatic (Golden Retriever) would be afraid to be themselves. The lion is too busy dominated everyone else's personality to really care, the beaver believes it's too busy being perfect to change anything, and the otter is trying to entertain everyone.  The truth is, most golden retrievers may or may not even know who they are because they're trying to be or hide under the other three personalities.  And let's face it, it's much easier to just let the person who enjoys being in charge and dominating every situation do their thing.  It's easier to either leave the person who is analytical and a perfectionist alone to their emo musical symphony.  It's also easier to allow the person who is the life of the party entertainer, and frequently irresponsible take the limelight.  But what about the rest of us? What about the one who can't decide between coffee and tea because they don't want to burden anyone with anything they don't want to do? What about the one who would rather listen to everyone else talk than bore everyone with their story? What about the one who cares so much about what other people think about them that they give up trying to find out who they really are?  

Now, that whole last paragraph seemed pretty negative. I actually took all the negative aspects of each personality type and threw them together. There are many good qualities of each, and if you think you don't have any of those negative qualities listed...you're probably the Melancholy Beaver. lol. ;) Many of us get which ones we are mixed up, and we also wear masks.  

I have found too many times in my life that it has been so much easier to just let other people tell me how to live my life.  They tell me what I'm good at, what I'm not good at, where I should serve, how I should act, who I should or should not date, and what I should do with my life.  Mostly what that turns into is other people using me for their own purposes and agendas.  But, for all you easily offended people out there who are assuming I'm talking about you right now...did I say 'all'?  No, I said mostly. So I may or may not be talking about you.  That's the beauty of a blog...I don't have to tell you. ;)

What has happened in result of doing what everyone else wants is that I've given up so many different parts of myself.  It's like my personality and body don't belong to me.  This of course is normal with victims of abuse.  Not only that, but they constantly think they are, at the core, bad or evil.  With this ungodly mindset comes a whole mess of behavioral problems which include just submitting to what other people want and being overly sensitive to what others think about you. People always tell me I need to get thicker skin, but you know if my 'skin' (meaning boundaries as a person in this case) hadn't been violated on a number of levels repeatedly, maybe I would be able to be like everyone else who somehow can handle deliberate attacks from others. It takes a lot more for certain people to overcome certain things. I don't dare tell others to just get over it and toughen up, because what may be easy for me is not easy at all for others.We can all judge each other from a distance, but true knowledge of a person's insides is only for God to know (I don't care how much "discernment" you have). 

But I think I've been pushed enough in my life that I think I'm tired of living by these rules (doing what others say and such).  IHOP was a really good experience for me.  I was able to gain freedom in a structured environment, and learn and question what I really believe. People have tried to take that from me by hating on IHOP and hating on me because I went there. But no one can take the experiences I've had there away from me. Does this mean I want to live there and become an intercessory missionary for the rest of my life? Absolutely not! In fact, being stuck in one place for the rest of my life scares me a lot, and there are things there that I need that they don't offer. But bottom line is that I'm not called to be an intercessory missionary at IHOP! I will always support them but I don't have to be there to do that.  IHOP has given me space to be myself and taught me how to get there in a godly way.  

For the past month and a half or so, God has really blessed me in a strange way. Upon returning from Messiah Conference, I was blessed to have absolutely NO money.  It seems like one would feel oppositely about this, and at first it was NO fun at all, but it has turned out to be a really huge blessing.  I haven't been able to really go anywhere for Shabbat services (although, I have had numerous offers from other congregations who are willing to pay for me to drive to their services), or out with friends or family (unless they pay for me as well).  So why is this a blessing?  In this time, I have really been able to rest and take a break from things.  I have been able to step back, and just pray and read the Word and hear from God without any outside commotion (because I was praying and reading before, but with way too much commotion).  I have been looking for a job, so it's not like I've been super super lazy (although I have definitely had my lazy days, haha, which are fabulous). But I have been somewhat secluded in the little safe haven I call home (aka Kurt & Rita's house, teehee), with no judgment and nothing but encouragement and honesty from those around me and the Lord.  It has truly been a blessing for me.  

Many people may not understand fully what being in a season of being hidden by the Lord is, but I assure you that it is something that is truly a glorious thing.  I am able to see what things are ahead, and gain hope for my future, and actually try to work out who I am, and look at doing what I want to do and what God wants me to do. Being in a physical place of total stagnation has really taken it's toll. You can do all things for Christ you want, but if you're not spiritually moving forward in Him and in His will (not others'), then you're stuck. I'm moving over to the river that rushes to the ocean, instead of being stuck in the little pond.  I want to give in new areas and move in ALL of my gifts, rather than being stuck in just one.

This brings me now to the quote from the beginning of this blog. "I am free to be the change I wish to see".  What I got out of this last night that really hit me hard was that God was saying to me that I don't have to be chained to the vision others have for me.  I don't have to be the change they want to see. I don't have to strive for the vision of change that others have (assuming they have a vision of change or any vision at all).  I have a God-given vision for change that I wish to see in the world, and that's what I should go after.  He is telling me that I'm free to be all that He's created me to be.  I am not an idol created by man to perform for the betterment of anyone's name or cause. I am a living, breathing warrior created by God for His glory and honor.  I'm alive.  I will take back what others have stolen from me and move like the waterfall (which is what my middle name, Lynn, means), crashing down on the stagnant waters below. I will stomp in the enemy's head with the power of the Name of Jesus. I am the thoroughbred in the race, and He is my jockey. He's also the One betting on me that I'll win. I won't settle for the vision others have for me; that's idolatry. I will only settle for His vision. 

"I have one goal, one vision
I have one dream, one ambition"
"There is only One
There is only One
There is only One found worthy"

Work-In-Progress

I love people watching. I love researching the physical artwork that God has so creatively constructed and fabricated.  I enjoy studying an individual's mannerisms, style choices, and seeing how they interact with others.  In my observation of the human species, I have come to realize two all-encompassing realities: One, that we are all a work-in-progress, and; Two, that we all try to hide that we are, in fact, a work-in-progress.  

  When God created mankind, He created us in His image, according to His likeness (Gen. 1:26).  He created us that we might be kings and priests, living before His eyes.  Adam and Eve were to be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it (Gen 1:28). But they were also to tend the garden and keep it (Gen. 2:15). I believe this was no ordinary gardening, with a hoe or a shovel, but rather a specific type of priestly duty.  But that argument is for another blog.  When Perfection creates something according to His likeness, that something is not perfect in itself.  We were made like God, but we are not God.  The Fall of Adam and Eve made that very clear.  Since the Fall, God has been moving forward in His plan to dwell with us again, and we are moving forward in our plan to take things back to before the Fall -- when we had unashamed, raw communion with our Creator.  

The Fall itself was evidence of our unwavering sinful desire to be God.  It wasn't enough for us that we were made in His image, according to His likeness.  We had to be the Omnipotent Creator.  So, along with our desire to go back to the beginning -- when we saw Him face to face -- we are concurrently seeking our fleshly mortal desire to become immortal and live as Perfection Himself. This fact finds its evidence in almost every area of current society.  Scientists are searching for new ways to extend a humans' life span.  Cosmetic companies and dermatological industries are coming out with creams to make you look younger for longer.  We have plastic surgery, drugs, diets, and talk shows that teach you how to look 'perfect' for longer.

But not only do we have physical remedies for these desires, we also have Facebook, Twitter, and any blog or social networking site that will let us create our own ideal of perfection.  We follow the trends found on the latest Pin (from Pinterest) and let our Instagram rule our idea of artistic and beautiful.  We're more interested in the new drink made in a mason jar than we are about being ourselves.  We put the newest trend before honesty, and the newest phone before reality.  Not only that, we compete with each to see who has the best of it all!  I cannot tell you how many times people have thrown the fact that they have an iPhone 4s in my face, when I only have an iPhone 4.  WHO CARES?!  It is just a phone, and you won't have that phone in a few years cause the iPhone 7x will be out and yours won't be cool anymore.

Realizing you're a work-in-progress doesn't make you less than others.  You may have it all together on Facebook. But typically, the people seem like they have it the most together are the one who are falling apart the most.  We shouldn't be so consumed with our Instagram and our Tumblr that we forget what we were made for: to be kings and priests living before the eyes of our Creator.  We were made for communion with God.  We were made to dwell with Him as in the days of the garden of Eden.  

I am a work-in-progress.  I am by no means perfect and I definitely don't have it all together.  Sometimes I get discouraged by that fact, but then I remember why I'm really here.  It's not to have it all together.  It's to be together with my Creator.  Perfect people are boring.  Real people are a treasure on this earth, and hard to find.  I want to be real and raw and genuine no matter who comes my way.  And if you don't like the real me, that's ok.  I am created in His image and according to His likeness.  I am His beloved daughter, and He is my beloved Creator. Why do I need man's approval to do His will or to be who He's created me to be?  

Being a work-in-progress is a path of honesty and humility.  God calls us to be perfect as He is perfect, but He also commits to complete the work He has started in us.  That means we've all got a long journey ahead of us. So let's stop trying to be God, and let God work in us.  We're all a work-in-progress, whether we choose to believe it or not.  But the key word here is progress. 

Prayer Starter:

Lord, thank You that You are God and I am man.  Thank You for creating me in Your image and according to Your likeness.  I realize my faults in trying to be something or someone I'm not, and I vow to live honestly before Your eyes and before the eyes of others.  Jesus, I want to see Your face.  I want to hear Your voice.  Come and work in me.  Cleanse me with Your blood and make me into Your vessel of light and truth.  In Jesus' Name, Amen.          

Becoming Dolly

I refuse to be you.  I promise to me and all that God has created me to be.  I refuse your offense and your judgment.  I refuse your style, your appearance, and your scent.  I accept my own as divinely created and inspired.

I will be me.

Because, the me that's in here is enough for the One who created the "here".  Who I am is enough for Him and who I choose to be is inspired by Him.  So put down your swords, and put down your knives.  Stabbing me in the back won't change what's inside.  A new me has arisen. with armor and wisdom.

I will be me.

I am created in His image, flaws and all.  But are you the one who defines beauty?  No, not at all.  I've got scars on my heart and blemishes on my face.  But He sees me pure and without a trace. You think putting me down makes you much more?  I'll leave that one to He who'll settle the score.

I will be me.

I will think my thoughts and express the way I was born to express.  I can't be you, because you're already taken.  I can't live your life.  I can't have your dreams.  I refuse to be you and forget my own self-esteem.  I'm a person all my own.  I belong to God, and then myself.  You have no control so please put down your stones.  When I look in the mirror, it's His image I want to see, not yours.  I let you be you, so please let me be me.  I don't belong to you.  I'm not your property.

I will be me.

I'm gonna take flight, and forget all this nonsense.  I am going to move forward, saying yes to the process. I'm gonna learn that it's ok to be me.  He loves me still, don't you see?  My acceptance is based not on my brother, but on the God who says, "Man, I love her".  I am still weak, and I know I'll fail. But failure doesn't make me me...this ain't no fairy tale.

So you be you and I'll be me, and maybe we can keep each other's company.  But don't try to change me and judge me anymore.  We both have no clue what God has in store.  I was created for His purpose, not yours.  I just wanna be faithful and love Him, at the core.

I have a voice.  I have a future.  I have a hope. I am beautiful and lovely.  I have worth.  I have value.  I have talent.  I have wisdom and discernment.  I have passion.  I have meekness and humility.  I have love.  I have life.  I have the mind of Christ.  I am intelligent.  I am smart. I am compassionate. I am fun and outgoing.  I am quiet and pensive.  I love people.  I love Jesus.  I am introspective. I have dreams.  I have vision.  I am noble. I am pure.  I am clean.  I am the righteousness of God in Messiah Jesus. This is truth.  Not the curses you speak over me. "You owe me nothing, I deserve hell. You owe me nothing, but You've given me mercy."  

My path is different than yours.  My past is different than yours.  My future will be different than yours.

I. WILL. BE. ME.          

Drops of Mockery

Rain. 

Rain.

Rain on my parade. 

Rain on the crumbs of hope I so desperately cling to. 

Rain.

Rain.

Rain on my shame.

Pour out a bucket of despair on my shameful secrets.

Create a river rushing to the valley.

Engulf me.

It rains.

It pours.

It soaks up all in its path and sweeps it down, down.

Down into the crevices and down into the drains.

There go my dreams.

Good-bye, they say.

Rain.

Rain.

Rain a torturous and perpetual drip-drop, flip-flop.

A mockery... they enjoy it.

Drops of lies.

Drops of truth.

Drops of reality.

But who can tell the difference between them?

They sting me equally.

Rain.

Pain.

It's really all the same.