Woman Of White & Red

I haven't blogged in a really long time.  Finally, I have a day where I can just go to my favorite Starbucks, sip on a yummy peppermint mocha (half the pumps of each, of course, cause that's nasty), and process.  I typically use my blog to process things, or to share things that have been burning on my heart.  Recently, my ability to process properly has been slightly intercepted.  I've been thrown through the loop, taken out, and then thrown back in again.  All of this is all, of course, for the purpose of bringing me to the place of desired wholeness.  I have within me a deep, strong desire to be whole and healthy; to love the Lord, myself, and others the way I was created and called to.  I also have this recent (meaning, withing the past year) ability to be pretty transparent about my life, the things I've gone through, and the issues I struggle with.

In case you haven't noticed....I'M PRETTY SCREWED UP.

But, praise God, I'm also a fighter.  I'm not the kind to stand around and just let things happen.  Since about August 2009, I've had this extra kick in my spirit to get free from the things that hinder me from loving God and receiving His love in return.  It's like the Lord placed in me a little extra zeal to overcome.  I believe this is actually called the anointing of the overcomer.  But, I feel so blessed because I used to be a terrified little girl who couldn't stand up for myself (to some degree, I still am this little girl, but there is hope for me yet!).  Now, I feel like the Lord has given me strength to do the unthinkable: fight for my freedom at all costs.  This is still a process, and I'm definitely in the middle of the war.  I've won a couple battles (it is He who makes me strong), but it ain't over until the New Jerusalem comes down! ;-)   

The greatest revelation that has come into my heart  (only yesterday!) is that I won't survive unless He has every part of me.  Many times, we cover up the things from our past or our present wounds with hope that God will just eventually heal it.  What ends up happening is that it just stays in there and festers and gets nasty puss all in it until it's so big we can't handle it anymore.  We ask where it came from and why we are dealing with it.  It started with digging a hole in our hearts, hiding it, and then covering it up again with mud.  We don't want the Lord to look at these disgusting things inside of us because we want so bad to be good little children.  We think God won't love us anymore, or it's so big that it's too much for the God of the Universe to handle.  Or, we think that letting the lion out of the cage will just make things worse, so it's better to just not focus on it.  

The point I am trying to make is that we cannot hide what's in our hearts from the Lord.  So why bother?  My desire is to dig up that weed, give it to Him and say, "Here, You deal with it! It's too big for me! And while You're at it, teach me how to live without the weeds!" But, if the Lord doesn't show me a weed to dig up, then I don't go searching.  We can get into a naval-gazing attitude, where all we do is search and search and search for all the bad things in us.  This is not what I'm suggesting.  What I am suggesting is simply this prayer: "Lord, remove everything that hinders love, and give me grace to give it all to You when You show me. Make me whole, Lord."  The mistake we make in the whole inner healing thing is that we actually try to find things and try to be God in it all.  I don't know everything that's wrong with me.  But God does.  So, when He brings it up (which He will), then I will be faithful in letting Him take it.  My job is just to open the door to Him and ask Him to remove it.  His job is the finding and bringing up and removing.

Now for those of us who already know we have issues that are sometimes painfully obvious, I think it's important to be transparent with the Lord and not try to cover it up.  If He brings it up, don't push it down.  Just logically say, "Oh!  Thanks, Lord.  I didn't know that was there.  Here.  I open the door to that part of me and let You take it.  Now let's talk about You!"  This is so hard to do, and I am NOT by any stretch and expert at doing this.  I am more of the type who thinks about it and tries to figure it out and processes and doesn't really let it go.  But that's bad!

Some things, I've found, take more than just an "oh, here Ya go".  Some of the roots in us are so deep that we aren't even strong enough to say yes to Him so He can take it.  This is where the body of believers come in to help us say yes to God.  I really believe that we are here to bear one another's burdens in love, and that sometimes it takes another person to help us give our all to the Lord.  Getting help for our issues is not a sin.  It actually takes a lot of courage to admit that we need help and can't do it on our own anymore.  It takes even more courage to go and seek that help.  Then, it takes even more courage to maintain that yes in your spirit and not allow things back into your life!  The Lord loves us in our weakness.  He didn't say, "You must be strong and pretend to be perfect because only the righteous ones are perfect!  All you weak ones who need help...I don't like you, and I won't help you."  It's actually in our weakness that the Lord's strength is the most manifest and because of said weakness, His strength is, therefore, perfected in us!  It's about the process of progress, not the pressure of perfection!!!!

What does it even mean to love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength (or resources)??  How can I love Him if I'm so broken that I don't even know what's up and what's down?  Right now, loving the Lord with everything I have is saying yes to His fullness and His wholeness.  "Ok, Lord. Take it all."  I want my life to be a testimony of Jesus and His faithfulness to change one of the hardest and darkest into softness and light.

One of my classmates was praying for me one day, and she got a picture of a white rose.  She didn't know what it meant, but she told me to ask the Lord.  So, I was casually asking the Lord for a few days.  Then, during the FCF Service on Saturday night, I went up for the ministry time (regarding being at the feet of Jesus, and giving Him my all).  This woman came up behind me to pray for me, and laid her hand on my back.  I didn't know what she said because it was so loud, but the picture of the white rose came into my head.  I saw the white rose, and then I saw it being painted with the blood of Jesus.  Then, the picture panned out, and I saw myself holding the rose in a flowy dance skirt, a tank top, and pointe shoes (ballet).  The Father pressed the rose close to my heart, and I began to dance.  I thought it was strange because I'm not on pointe, but I was twirling and leaping with this rose nonetheless. I asked the Lord, "What do You want me to know about this?  Why are You showing me this?"  The interpretation I received was that I was the white rose, drenched in His blood, and that this was the testimony of Jesus.  My dance was a conduit for this testimony.

In researching the symbolism of white roses, I came across a plethora of complexities revolving around this one rose.  White roses, as many probably know, are a symbol for purity, righteousness, innocence, and virtue.  But it also has many other meanings.  Refinement, unblemished, heavenly, beauty, victory, true love (in early traditions, white roses - not red - were the symbol for true love), honor, reverence, new beginnings, hope, martyrdom, etc. In WWII, the White Rose Resistance stood unto death against the Nazi Regime.

I felt like the Lord was speaking to me that this is how He sees me.  He sees me as pure and spotless; a woman of honor who is victorious against evil.  I also felt like He was saying that I am protected by the blood of the Lamb.  He will give me the power to overcome, and protect me.



Lord, give me grace to say yes to Your will daily.  Give me strength to overcome by the power of Your blood.  I submit my will to the Holy Spirit, and I ask for wholeness.  Take it all, Lord.  Just give me Jesus.  Thank You for Your amazing love that calls me out as pure and blameless before you, that I might have courage to go down that path to freedom.  Thank You for Yourself, Jesus.  Amen.